What you can never have

I was watching a television programme tonight on transitioning with the emphasis on surgery.
I switched it off halfway throough because I found it to distressing.
I will never have this,not because I do not need it but because of my age and the fact that I am a carer.
I will NOT commit suicide besause I believe it is grossly unfair to those who need you but it does mean I never go through a day without suffering.

Had some thinking time to decide which direction my life is going and where I have gone wrong in the past.
I am female and that is the be all and end all.
To find my way I have been to Counsellors who have ended up screwing my mind.
I have been through the NHS system who make an art form of passing the buck.
I have been through contacting the trans community who with one exception have all been the biggest load of bitches it has been my misfortune to encounter.
So it's me on my own.

Horrible

Terrible day today. Had this throbbing headache all day and feel completely drained.
Trouble is the worse I feel the more depressed I feel and don't want it to get back to this wishing to end it all stage again,
If only someone,anyone cared for me it would help but my place in life is of the giver not the taker.

Taking stock

Over the last few weeks I have been so tired and run down all the time that it has left me completely drained.
I seem to be chasing my tail all the time so it is time to have a rest.
It will be nice if people contact me but I am not going to get myself in this awful state any more of wondering if they will contact me.

Mental Health

Heaven knows what is happening to my referral to Mental Health.
I have rung them but all they will say is that they have to keep asking more questions of my doctor.
I think that my being TS is muddying the waters a little but hope to find out more on my doctors visit tomorrow.
Either that or they are having a made to measure straight jacket manufactured.
Hope it's in pink.

Heat seeking ferrett

Having one of my hyper days today,in fact it started yesterday evening.
Now if I could only balance out the thousand mph days with the dead slow and stop ones I would be fine.

Says it all

Last night I sat here counting out Geraldines tablets and had an overwhelming desire to take the whole contents of the packets.
Today when I woke up I wish that I had.

Self medding

Due to the attitude of ny local doctors and the runaround I have been given by the PCT I have finally had enough of crying out for help which does not come.
So I am doing something I swore I would never do and self med,
Sure they may not fit in with my existing medication but as they refuse to do a blood test or make an appointment to see an endoctrinologist it's a chance that I have to take.

Happiness

This is one of my favourite photo's of me.Not glamorous by any means,the garden is not a work of art and the house needs a fair bit of work but it is me at my happiest.

Sharing

I was quite shocked when I viewed my blog and saw a couple of comments.It meant that I am sharing my thoughts with someone and that means more to me than anybody knows,
Things often go round and round in my head when telling someone would help.
I am not looking for answers,just the relief of sharing.

Hope

After a few weeks of nothing but negatives something has raised my hopes for humanity.
A few weeks ago somebody told me that they did not like transsexuals and nor did anybody else.
Last week I was told that I will burn in hell for what I am.
Then today I got a lovely email from a tutor on a course I had been on referring to what I am in a positive manner.
One email made up for all the insults and the phone calls that no longer come from people I thought of as friends.
There is some good in the world

Brand new me

This is the brand new blogsite.
Very unhappy with the old me and the way things were going.
It's time to think about ME and if anybody doesn't like me-tough luck.
I have spent far to long waiting for a phone call or an e-mail so now if people don't contact me then it's their considerable loss.

New

Julia has gone. Long live Jools