My new granddaughter was born premature this morning.
She is in the special baby unit,ill,but hanging on in there,a fighter like me.
There is nothing I can do but give support.
So to stop me getting maudling please continue to contact me.
Talk about girlie things,dresses,earrings anything.
I need a smile on my face not sympathy
Jools
Friday, 12 December 2008
Please help
Being a fulltime carer means that I don't get much time to think so this quiet hour first thing in the morning is when I collect my thoughts.
Charing Cross will be coming up next month so thinking what comes next.
The thought of surgery is starting to frighten me to death as it would be very dodgy due to my health and I don't want to leave G a widow.
Hormones might make me far less of a coper as being a mental health carer means a clear head at all times is needed.
Now I don't scrub up to bad when I make an effort and people treat me as who I am.
Angels does confuse me as full transitioning seems to be the be all and end all.
So this is a request for my reader.
Would it be to bad if I stayed as I am?
Would you think any the less of me if I did?
Your thoughts are needed.
Charing Cross will be coming up next month so thinking what comes next.
The thought of surgery is starting to frighten me to death as it would be very dodgy due to my health and I don't want to leave G a widow.
Hormones might make me far less of a coper as being a mental health carer means a clear head at all times is needed.
Now I don't scrub up to bad when I make an effort and people treat me as who I am.
Angels does confuse me as full transitioning seems to be the be all and end all.
So this is a request for my reader.
Would it be to bad if I stayed as I am?
Would you think any the less of me if I did?
Your thoughts are needed.
Thursday, 11 December 2008
Pie in the sky?
I really must stop thinking first thing in the morning,with a brain as small as mine it makes my head hurt.
Anyway afer that request for money,which I have not got,yesterday I considered what I can give.
I have been a carer now for over thirty years.
I am a transitioning T/S
I am a married gay.
Now all that must mean I have a wealth of experience which somebody must be able to benefit from.Angels is not the place to use it as my remarks are likely to be highjacked by some smartarse with an axe to grind.
I would so much like to set up some type of informal support group for those who are not brave enough to talk openly on forums.
May be a completely pie in the sky idea but if anybody reads this I am here to listen,if nothing else.
Anyway afer that request for money,which I have not got,yesterday I considered what I can give.
I have been a carer now for over thirty years.
I am a transitioning T/S
I am a married gay.
Now all that must mean I have a wealth of experience which somebody must be able to benefit from.Angels is not the place to use it as my remarks are likely to be highjacked by some smartarse with an axe to grind.
I would so much like to set up some type of informal support group for those who are not brave enough to talk openly on forums.
May be a completely pie in the sky idea but if anybody reads this I am here to listen,if nothing else.
Wednesday, 10 December 2008
The final nail
When Geraldine and I got married many years ago we hardly had two pennies to rub together.We lived in a small flat and everything we had was second hand.
Economising became an art form and we learnt to make a meal out of practically nothing.
There habits die hard and still living this way enabled me to retire on a very small pension to look after Geraldine.We have very little money left so the odd pair of earrings is a real treat.
Today I received a text message from Adams partner.Lets give some background.When they got together a baby was very shortly on the way.This was followed by another child,due within a year.They live on convenience food and all their stuff is brand new.
A couple of months ago Adam asked me if I would put the finance for a new car in my name.When I refused I fot a lot of unpleasantness from his partner who now refuses to recognise me in female mode.
The email stated that they have no money and if I thought anything of my son and granddaughter I would give them money.
The final nail in my coffin
Economising became an art form and we learnt to make a meal out of practically nothing.
There habits die hard and still living this way enabled me to retire on a very small pension to look after Geraldine.We have very little money left so the odd pair of earrings is a real treat.
Today I received a text message from Adams partner.Lets give some background.When they got together a baby was very shortly on the way.This was followed by another child,due within a year.They live on convenience food and all their stuff is brand new.
A couple of months ago Adam asked me if I would put the finance for a new car in my name.When I refused I fot a lot of unpleasantness from his partner who now refuses to recognise me in female mode.
The email stated that they have no money and if I thought anything of my son and granddaughter I would give them money.
The final nail in my coffin
Monday, 8 December 2008
Swings and roundabouts
A bit of a downer tonight.
Saw my doctor,along with Geraldine and she admitted there was very little she could do to get me help.
Also emailed people as I was in the need of being cheered up but no reply.
It really does look as if from the medical point of view that I have been just left to get on with it.
I will get somewhere but it's going to be a case of fighting like hell which is leaving me so damned tired.
Saw my doctor,along with Geraldine and she admitted there was very little she could do to get me help.
Also emailed people as I was in the need of being cheered up but no reply.
It really does look as if from the medical point of view that I have been just left to get on with it.
I will get somewhere but it's going to be a case of fighting like hell which is leaving me so damned tired.
Sunday, 7 December 2008
Random thoughts for Christmas
When I was coming home from the shopping slog at Sainsburys today something happened to make me think.
It was about 1.30 and a girl ran from a car to a house.She had on a long coat but underneath could clearly be seen a very short silver lurex dress and legs to die for.
Now I wondered if she had been to a party so good that she had just come home or was visiting someone and thought it's nearly Christmas I don't give a damn what people think.
Whatever,she made me smile. Like the person who you just say hello to and they give a flashing smile back.
I am an extrovert and a dippy blonde but my very dippiness made folk smile.
Now I am a carer for my partner who has severe depression and so as a result made myself miserable in order not to upset her.
Is this right or would I be a better person and carer if I was just myself who made people smile and more important smiled myself?
As T/S I feel as if I should just blend in and not rock the boat.
I want to rock the boat a bit.
I want to dress up in a short skirt and a silly wig to go and see Priscilla Queen of the Desert,the musical.
I want to go to sparkle and have a laugh.
I just want to be me,me,me ,me and if I can bring some joy to someones life doing it then so much the better.
It was about 1.30 and a girl ran from a car to a house.She had on a long coat but underneath could clearly be seen a very short silver lurex dress and legs to die for.
Now I wondered if she had been to a party so good that she had just come home or was visiting someone and thought it's nearly Christmas I don't give a damn what people think.
Whatever,she made me smile. Like the person who you just say hello to and they give a flashing smile back.
I am an extrovert and a dippy blonde but my very dippiness made folk smile.
Now I am a carer for my partner who has severe depression and so as a result made myself miserable in order not to upset her.
Is this right or would I be a better person and carer if I was just myself who made people smile and more important smiled myself?
As T/S I feel as if I should just blend in and not rock the boat.
I want to rock the boat a bit.
I want to dress up in a short skirt and a silly wig to go and see Priscilla Queen of the Desert,the musical.
I want to go to sparkle and have a laugh.
I just want to be me,me,me ,me and if I can bring some joy to someones life doing it then so much the better.
Saturday, 6 December 2008
Reasons
There is low because of something others do do you.
There is low because of circumstances.
And there is low because of things you dare not admit.
At the moment I am keeping a hyper exterior to fool othere and to fool myself because of the third reason.
There is low because of circumstances.
And there is low because of things you dare not admit.
At the moment I am keeping a hyper exterior to fool othere and to fool myself because of the third reason.
Thursday, 4 December 2008
Afterthought
Watching I'm a celebrity tonight(shows my IQ level)Joe said I am very,very comfortable with my own sexuality so what is wrong in cuddling George(a gay man)
Seems that those men who are ashamed to be seen with Gay or T/S could learn a lot from that.
Seems that those men who are ashamed to be seen with Gay or T/S could learn a lot from that.
Hope
As they say in results programmes in no particular order I would like to thank Becca and Loris for their heatwarming messages today.
The thought of meeting up(in Becca's case again) and doing lunch fills my heart with hope in my darkest days.
The thought of meeting up(in Becca's case again) and doing lunch fills my heart with hope in my darkest days.
Lowering the bar
At last I had a chance of a long talk yesterday.It was away from my home with Katy Thomas from Suffolk Carers.
She said that she will do everything in her power to get me respite and look into possble counsellors who may be able to help me.This may be a problem as I am completely skint but if you don't look you don't get.
In the meantime I know that I have to lower my personal bar.
I am a carer and this can't change-fact.
I have to get through Christmas with no money-fact
I have to get on with the vast backlog of household duties-fact.
I know that I have friends who sometimes read this blog so a message to them.
I love to chat but my phone bill is horrendous so if you would like me to ring you on a landline I would love to do so after 6 or a weekends as my calls are free.Any other time or on a mobile is no I am afraid.
I would love to help you all but it must be a two way thing.If you have a problem I will do my best to help but remember I have problems too.
If you would like to go window shopping or have a coffee that would be delightful as it is a two way experience.
Accept the fact that I am gay(I am not predatory)and I will accept you.
Sorry for the ramble,reader
She said that she will do everything in her power to get me respite and look into possble counsellors who may be able to help me.This may be a problem as I am completely skint but if you don't look you don't get.
In the meantime I know that I have to lower my personal bar.
I am a carer and this can't change-fact.
I have to get through Christmas with no money-fact
I have to get on with the vast backlog of household duties-fact.
I know that I have friends who sometimes read this blog so a message to them.
I love to chat but my phone bill is horrendous so if you would like me to ring you on a landline I would love to do so after 6 or a weekends as my calls are free.Any other time or on a mobile is no I am afraid.
I would love to help you all but it must be a two way thing.If you have a problem I will do my best to help but remember I have problems too.
If you would like to go window shopping or have a coffee that would be delightful as it is a two way experience.
Accept the fact that I am gay(I am not predatory)and I will accept you.
Sorry for the ramble,reader
Tuesday, 2 December 2008
Improvement?
Well I got through the night and woke up this morning.Glad that I did. Must be some improvement.
Monday, 1 December 2008
Another labels debate
I see that the cathouse has launched into yet another soulsearching debate about what is stealth.
This is best ignored as I am pretty certain that most of the people invoved were in a former life involved in a my willy is bigger than yours scenario and have brought those views with them.
For me it's a case of being treated as a woman by strangers and those who knew me as a man.
Being myself.
Simple isn't it?
This is best ignored as I am pretty certain that most of the people invoved were in a former life involved in a my willy is bigger than yours scenario and have brought those views with them.
For me it's a case of being treated as a woman by strangers and those who knew me as a man.
Being myself.
Simple isn't it?
Bitter,moi?
It finally happened this morning.
I collapsed,keeled over,fell on a heap on the floor and couldn't get up.
I had an appointment booked with Suffolk Carers on wednesday so had the courtesy to ring them up to cancel.
The lovely lady who answered my call,I found out later,did not like how I sounded so told the lady I was supposed to have been meeting.The lady rang me back and the very fact that someone cared made me burst into floods of tears.
So,she wants to meet me on wednesday for a cup of coffee and a chat so that we can talk things out.
I am not a psychiatrist but the way I have been treated by Mental health I might as well be one as they have abandoned all responsibilty.
Now I have asked for help for years and been repeatedly told just to get on with it.
Yet I look on Angels and see gutless girls being molycoddled and know girls who can get help at will.
Am I bitter against them.To bloody true I am
I collapsed,keeled over,fell on a heap on the floor and couldn't get up.
I had an appointment booked with Suffolk Carers on wednesday so had the courtesy to ring them up to cancel.
The lovely lady who answered my call,I found out later,did not like how I sounded so told the lady I was supposed to have been meeting.The lady rang me back and the very fact that someone cared made me burst into floods of tears.
So,she wants to meet me on wednesday for a cup of coffee and a chat so that we can talk things out.
I am not a psychiatrist but the way I have been treated by Mental health I might as well be one as they have abandoned all responsibilty.
Now I have asked for help for years and been repeatedly told just to get on with it.
Yet I look on Angels and see gutless girls being molycoddled and know girls who can get help at will.
Am I bitter against them.To bloody true I am
Sick to death
The title says it all again.
I am actually sick at the moment,feel like I have been run over by a bus. Could be a virus,could be coming off the citalopram or could be because I an bloody shattered.
The second reason is that I am sick to death of the postings on Angels and the more I look at it the more I know that I don't belong there.
My main purpose on this hard journey they call transitioning was just to be me,nothing more,nothing less.
I feel no need to be like miss x or miss y but the whole trans scene seems to be to follow some sort of pattern.
Not for me
I am actually sick at the moment,feel like I have been run over by a bus. Could be a virus,could be coming off the citalopram or could be because I an bloody shattered.
The second reason is that I am sick to death of the postings on Angels and the more I look at it the more I know that I don't belong there.
My main purpose on this hard journey they call transitioning was just to be me,nothing more,nothing less.
I feel no need to be like miss x or miss y but the whole trans scene seems to be to follow some sort of pattern.
Not for me
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