Christmas Day

Christmas day and nothing from Adam.No card,phone call or e-mail despite me leaving a message for him.How can your own child hate you so much?
Thank heavens for Hannah and Debbie who phoned me today.
So it looks like it's just Geraldine and I for the rest of our lives.
We are both hurting like hell today and know that we will be both be glad when Christmas is all over and the bombardment of you can only be happy surrounded by your family is finished.

Liberation

Last thursday I had a doctors appointment to discuss the latest blood tests.It is now the case that on HRT alone my hormones are now at female level and I will not be required to take anti androgens.So no more blood tests!!!
I felt this strangely liberating and the jumping through hoops and over hurdles has gone.I realise for some surgery is a must have and I understand this but for me it is far more to do with what's between the ears than between the legs.
I am fully accepted in society as me so at my age what more can you ask?
Busier and happier than I have ever been

It's been ages

Been absolutely ages since I have posted but Geraldine is in Respite for a few days so I have time.
I miss her,of course,but the mornings are lovely. No rushing around to get her ready and the bathroom is mine,all mine!
We have been doing a lot of planning since we returned from holiday and I have been getting my life in some type of order.Our future plans are not set in stone yet due to medical reasons so I will talk about me.
Since my return I have been doing my bit to help the T/S community but now have decided that this is not the right course for me.I have been to a couple of meetings and at every turn I am coming into contact with the trans arm of the LGBT group.To them there is only one way and it is their way.The way also seems to involve a great deal of self pity and a "them against us" mentality.
It may be that this is the way that most trans think and if so then I cannot class myself as trans.I am a woman,pure and simple.
I am lucky that I have Hannah and Debbie as friends.They take me as I am.
So the blog is open again but this time just as me,living my life as a woman but encumbered with the wrong body.

Off

Stealth calls?

Being so ill with this bloody unstable angina has got me thinking a bit.
When I go out to my little groups the people I meet have only ever known Julia and they like her.
Everybody in my road has known me in my previous life and the hostility is so great you can smell it,even Geraldine is starting to feel threatened.
The catalyst of this thought came about when Geraldine and I were out having afternoon tea at a NT property and I could see the couple of women on the next table eyeballing us.The radar ears came into operation and I picked up the word "lesbians".
I had a word with G afterwards ans she said "so what".
We have been kicking the matter about for a few days and are thinking of moving to a new area and living life as two women.
Nothing to keep us here any more.

The cost

Yesterday was my birthday. Never have done anything out of the ordinary but it used to be nice.
I got one card from my wife,thats all.
Believe me it meant a lot. She has stood by me through thick and thin.
However during my two years RLE it has made me realise that despite my efforts to keep communication open I have be dropped by everybody I used to know in my former life.
Sad but true.

Hormones or just me?

Hurt twice in one day and I don't think the person who hurt me is even aware that they did it.Perhaps it is time to stop manning the barricades and start digging a bloody deep trench.
This depression is getting so bad I just can't hide it any more.Will ring the doctors tomorrow for an appointment.
The highs come but they are followed by such terrible lows they are frightening me.Smiling on the outside and suffering on the inside

Interesting

When I posted on the forum a couple of years ago about my broadcast on Radio Suffolk I was pretty well warned off but did it all the same.
Now one of our number who is not known for hiding her light(or her knickers) under a bushel has posted that she will be doing the same thing.
Will be very interested in the reaction to her.

Looking after No 1

Had a long chat interspersed with loads of tears with my therapist on monday.
She pointed out that I am living my life for others and neglecting myself.Unfortunately this has been the case for as many years as I can remember.
I have been thinking back on how many cases there have been of calling people and being told that they meant to ring me,or arranging to meet people and they had forgotten.
I have put up with this for far to long and now it's time to think of me.
There are two important people in my life, Geraldine and Hannah.They have never let me down.
As for the rest they can go hang.I have seen them through the bad times and when my job has been done I have served my purpose and been forgotten.

An incident

An incident happened this afternoon,which had nothing to do with trans but left me with a nasty taste in the mouth about human nature.
I was waiting to be served at the kiosk section of a supermarket.
There were three posiions,one for sales and two for customer sevice with quite a rush at the sales section.A woman asked if the customer service girl would mind serving her and when she did a chap who was waiting rushed forward saying he was there first.
Fair enough,he was but his attitude was of someone spoiling for a fight.The girl was half way through the sale so the chap started swearing at her,at first mildly then F word threatening.
All the customers just pretended it wasn't happening so me 5 foot 7 in my heels asked if he would moderate his language.The rest of the customers then pretended that I wasn't there either.
By this time I was just waiting for him to threaten me with a transphobic comment and I would have called the police and got the foul mouthed git arrested.
Then the security guard came along and asked him to leave the store for threatening language to a member of staff.
My question is if the public can stand back while a girl gets this type of abuse what hope is there for us if someone decides to give us a kicking?
The chap concerned was about six foot three and built like a brick outhouse but why was it only me who was prepared to take him on?

Confessions

This evening I phoned the dearest,sweetest person in the world and mentioned that I had no idea what I was going to say to my therapist tomorrow.
After pouring my heart out over the phone I am now very well aware of the topic for the session.

Now it can be said

I am a quiet kind of girl and never believe in saying anything until the "i"s are dotted and the "t"s crossed.
Two years ago I was told that due to my heart condition I would never be able to take hormones.Today I picked my prescription up.
In the last month I have a place on the Suffolk Diversty Planning Board,am going to be doing staff training for the NHS on trans issues and have been asked to set up the first official Suffolk Trans Support Group.When I saw my therapist yesterday I told her how lucky I was and she told me that I had made it happen.
The icing on the cake however was the delivery of some lovely flowers from Hannah,who means more to me than words can say.A wonderful friend.

Never to old

I am pressing on to do my little bit for the T/S community and yes it does feel good actually doing something.
However on reading the bible for how to do it right"Angels" it seems as if I must change my strategy.
I must in future.
(a)Post a full report of what I am wearing,down to my underwear,for all meetings attended.This will require a great deal of work as I never have the faintest idea of what colour knickers I am wearing.
(b)Tell as many people as humanly possible what a wonderful person I am.Again this is going to be a problem as I don't think my ego needs inflating.
So to be a true and representative trans it looks like back to the drawing board.
Now can anybody tell me where I get the open crotch fishnet tights and the six inch heels?

New week,new start

After the appaling weekend I have a busy week in front of me.
Sujata calling today so had a bit of a spring clean over the weekend,perhaps it's time for a spring clean of the mind.
I am a very lucky lady. Geraldine is fully supportive and I have friends,not many but it's the quality not the quantity that matters.
I now have someone in my life that means more to me than words can say.
The future is bright if I work at it.The equality work and possible teaching work.I start hormones on friday but it is what's going on in my mind that is most important.
I have optimism

Thinking aloud

When I do not have anyone to talk to and know that I have no therapist appointment this week I use this blog to think aloud.
In Suffolk it is very much a case of do what you want as long as you don't interfere with anyone else and this is more and more the case as far as my transitioning is concerned.
Yesterday,for example,I was chatting to the lady at the papershop about how many changes of clothes it takes us to go out compared to men.People in the shop browsing and nobody stepping back in horror.
The point of this ramble is that being trans I sometimes think I should keep in touch with the TG community.
Over the last few weeks I have sent a few pm's and not one reply.
There seems to me to be one rule,conform to the stereotype and you are in,don't and you are out,no in between.

Upset

I use this blog to get rid of my innermost feelings and something is really upsetting me at the moment.
A long time ago Geraldine took loads of overdoses.She would overdose,ring me at work,I came rushing home,got her to A and E then picked her up next morning.
The point is that she had no intention at all of commiting suicide,she just wanted the attention.
The last time this happened I put her in the car without a word and dumped her at the doorstep of A & E.I picked her up three days later when asked to by the hospital.
I repeat,this was the last time,it never happened again.
The incidents going on in the Angels forum are ringing very unpleasant bells in my mind.
If I ever did go back on the forum I would be tempted to say that sure life is tough but I had to just get on with it.
I am nothing special but I did it.

Sunday

Felt a darned site better on sunday than saturday mainly thanks to a phone call from the lovely Hannah.
Had a go at trying to get my hair into the same style as the hairdresser left it.Not quite as good but it will do.
Busy week coming up.
Monday-therapist and taking Geraldine to the doctors.
Tuesday-meeting with Katy & Liz at the self centre for coffee and cake.
Wednesday-course(wigless for the first time)
Thursday-off to Elveden for drinks and cake with Geraldine & Katie
Friday should be free but I doubt it.

Brave face

Not been a very good day today and as my therapist says it is better to put your thoughts down in writing than brood about them all night
Saturday is always my worst day of the week.
I watched the FI qualing and then a complete hash up on television over the Palace result.That's when the troubles start.I am so used to getting on the phone and talking about these things to Adam but I am not allowed to contact him.So I watch them but don't enjoy them as it is so difficult to enjoy alone.
On the surface I am Miss Confident,have the answer to everyones problems and there with a ready quip.However when I suffer I suffer alone.
Sure I will feel loads better next week.Loads of appointments and lots of time to hide behind the mask.No showing of the emotions just smile and wave boys,smile and wave.

New look

Well it sure is a different me to go with the increased confidence.
Now have chestnut hair with honey blonde highlights and cut into a short bob.
The flats have changed to heels and the skirts to trendy dresses.
All I need now is an operation on my mouth to seal it shut as I have opened it yet again and put my size eight foot firmly in it.
Saying what I feel has always been my downfall.I hope that I haven't damaged a very special relationship because of it.

Reflections

I have just been reading Loris' comment on my last entry.
On reflection there has been a change,nothing dramatic,it just crept up on me.
The change is accepting what I can change and what I cannot.
Could I stop transitioning even if I wanted to?Not a chance.
I am just living as the real me and what went before was a sham.
I still have problems but then who doesn't? but I am coping with them as me.

Dress

All of my female life I have been a jeans and top,trousers and top or skirt and top person.
Today I bought myself a dress !!!
Whether it is the seed change in me or the thought of the summer coming I don't know but it looks great.

Masks and protection

On Angels today one of the girls said that she prefers to wear a wig as she feels"protected"
Takes me back to what happened yesterday.
If I am out in trousers or a long skirt and boots I never wear my wig.However if in natural tights and a more floaty skirt I didn't feel right without the dead cat on my head.
Yesterday I had to visit my therapist and decided natural tights and the floaty skirt felt right but I knew that I had to go shopping on the way.
So did not wear the wig!!
Nothing changed and I still felt the same old me.
My therapist is working on self ownership with me and that is what it is all about.
The only mask I need is my makeup and there is nothing wrong with that.
I wear it because I want to,not for others.

Crept up on me

It's been a very hectic last couple of days what with dashing off to sort my bank account at 10 minutes notice and fighting my way around Asda today.
Now is the first time I have had a breather to do some reflective thinking.
My bank manager called me back today and he was chatting away to Julia. But that is the point-Julia was chatting back.
In the last couple of days I have not even thought of being t/s,I'm just me.
Just a random thought I had to put down in print,thats all.
If this is permanent and I hope that it is can see this blog just turning into the random thoughts of a demented housewife

I am not supergirl

While doing one of Geraldines thousand and one "little jobs" this morning I found her standing behind me planning the next one.I turned and just blurted out"I am not superwoman"
Now that got me thinking-dangerous.
When I go to Charing Cross the majority of the girls in the waiting room seem to have faces like a bag of spanners and sit there with their legs wide apart.I thought for a while that they must have a day for the really ugly ones,me included.
Then I thought what am I comparing with?I just look at the photos on Angels and see these well made up,well dressed creatures. But the point is they are pictures,posed and heaven knows how many went into the bin till the right one came along.
Lately on Angels the fashion police have been having at a go at the genetic girls out shopping and saying how bad they look.I am lucky enough to have some good friends who are ordinary girls and the cry of"summers coming,that means I will have to start shaving my legs again"is not uncommon.
Back to the point.I am just an ordinary woman doing an ordinary job.
I am not superwoman.
I get tired,irritable and a downright moody cow at times but I am me and surely that is all that matters.
My horoscape todays said that when a wound heals it itches but we just have to scratch it and open it up again.They said that it is often better to put a plaster over it.Lesson there for me.
Don't try to obtain the unobtainable and don't go looking for fools gold.

Missed it

Just been watching F1 qualifying.
What I missed so much afterwards was getting straight on the phone to Adam to go through what happened.
There are forums for motorspoert which are no doubt buzzing at this moment but the trouble is every opinion has a counter and there are those who are just looking for an internet fight.
It is a strange but sad fact of life that hiding behind the anonymity of a keyboard on whatever forum brings out the worst in some people.

Don't worry

I had a couple of phone calls yesterday evening from very dear friends who were a trifle worried about my welfare.
No need to worry girls,it's still going to be the same old me.
When I first starting racing a very old hand told me that"the throttle works both ways" and I have always born that in mind.
I am just me and cannot take on the whole worlds problems,just do what I can.
I have two amazing friends.Stand up and take a bow Loris and Debbie.
For both of them friendship is a two way thing and I love them for it.

Second thoughts

I heard today that my offer to be a adult learning classroom volunteer has been a thanks but no thanks as they seem to have enough people.
On the Suffolk County Council front the contact I had seems to be suddenly unavailable.
When I have been offered voluntary work in the past it has been in an office on my own.
Getting the drift?
I was,repeat was,a serial helper. Do anything for anyone and put myself second
Second thoughts now.
For my friends and Geraldine I will do anything but that is all now.
Julia has decided to take care of herself and that will take some getting used to.

Mirror,mirror on the wall

I think I have solved some of my problem,it's that bathroom mirror.
Some mornings I look into it at it tells me I am a beautiful,sophisticated lady who does not even need make up.
Then it turns nasty.
At the moment all it is showing is this hideous old crone who would need a large tub of polyfilla to look presentable.
Must get myself a new mirror

Loris

Loris has talked some sense into me.
Trouble is that with me the buck stops here and the negative thoughts just go round and round.
Had a good cry and felt better

Think!

On the principle of thinking before putting anything in writing I went out for a drive following my last blog entry.
Right.Thought now post.
The very ethos of the transsexual society has been irritating the hell out of me lately.I can agree with very little that has been written on forums and the general opinion of there being one way to do things goes against the grain.
I do things my way and up to a point it suits.I have made mistakes and learnt from them and will no doubt continue to do so.
Some things girls are doing I feel is a disater waiting to happen but it is their life and I will not be thanked for sticking my oar in.However I have changed and will not be around to pick up the pieces when they crash and burn.
I would like to make this blog reader only but in the past people I want to let in have been unable to and visa versa.
Therfore I will now stop posting but leave the blog open.
Anyone who needs or wants to contact me I will still be around on the usual sources.
Julia
xxx

Grave doubts

I was tidying up the front garden yesterday when the postman walked by.Nothing you may think but no mothers day card.
Left me brooding all day.There is now just Geraldine and I and she needs me.
With her health and depending on me can I take the risk of hormones,no matter how small.I have not got everything I want but I can compromise.
I am a one off and realise that.For a time I kidded myself that I could be of use to other girls but that is just what it is,kidding myself.
Will probably carry on in the same old way,just being there if and when others may need me but my use will be very limited.
The girls will all probably go a lot further along their journey medicaly wise than I will ever go.
I have booked my bus to go to Charing Cross on thursday but will in all probability just turn it into a shopping trip instead.
I have seen in the past on Angels some who have become very bitter about their partners for not understanding and letting them live their lives.
Geraldine has been great but I owe her something in return

No,seriously

I like writing this blog,I really do.I can put down things that would get me excomunicated from Angels.
On the forum today Loris mentioned that I made her laugh and that may be my trouble.
Despite all the angst of transitioning I just cannot take it seriously.
To find out why I have to look at my past when the population wore woad.
I was born just after the war and the first few years of my life were during peropds of deprivation and rationing.If people then had not learnt to laugh at problems and themselves they would have been chucking themselves off cliffs like lemmings(actually they don't,that was something made up by Walt Disney,who thought it would make good cinema).
My life is a darned site better than it ever was as a male so I might as well smile about it.
Told you didn't I?If I had posted this on Angels the lynch mob would be on it's way

Assumptions

My visit to the NHS person vounteering my services for diversity matters did not go well.
It was considered that the best role for me was locked away in a small room with a committee who were all very,very pc.
I queried this yesterday with the lady who had arranged the introduction and her viewpoint was that the move was made to protect me.Their viewpoint was that if the public decided to have a go at me I could get hurt and upset.
The point is that they assumed.
This morning I had a call from the respite worker who said that she could not come today.Half an hours notice!!!!.She will be on holiday next week which means no respite for a fortnight.This time is booked up for me for important appointments dealing with both my wife's and my health.As she put the phone down she said "that will be ok with you,won't it Julia?".
Again she assumed.
To a large percentage of the public transsexuals are seen as prancing around in stilletos and frilly knickers.They may be right about some but they have no right to assume that I do.
I BLOODY WELL GIVE UP

After the lord mayors show

Following the brilliant weekend I just knew things were going to come down to earth with a bump.
Had a phone call from Adam today,he is moving to Ipwich in April,a couple of roads away from the bitches mother. My only way of keeping in contact with Adam was to call in at his work now with the evil cow monitoring his phone calls and text messages she has finally managed to split us up.
Had a crowing text from her later stating I would never see him or the grandchildren again.
Geraldine is going to need me over this one.
I may be back,I may not.
Love to you all.
Julia
xxx

Respite

I dropped Geraldine off to respite yesterday.
A strange rest of the day for me as I charged round the house clearing up the massive backlog of little jobs,however I kept waiting for the call of "Julia".
Geraldine phoned me yesterday evening and this morning and she is getting on fine,which has put my mind at rest.If she can get back monday feeling just a little more independant that will be great for her.
It has also given me a little constructive thinking time as to my future.
Geraldine and a few close friends accept me as I am now and I am comfortable the way I am. Sure joe public,on close inspection,are going to see that I am trans but so what,It's my life.
Surgery will never be for me as I am responsible for G and daren't take the risk.Even hormones,if they don't suit me I won't take them.Easy as.
In the muggle world there is pressure to be just like everybody else and unfortunately in the trans world a pressure to conform to a pattern just to "fit in"
I am Julia,a "one off" and happy to remain that way.
A little p.s
Just got my posh business suit out for tuesdays meeting and tried it on.Don't scrub up bad for an old 'un and the legs are still holding out!

Just when you think

When I started on this new course I was determined to be just female and not go into my gender differences.
We started with eight people and have now got down to the hardcore of four and that is where the problems started.With a crowd you can hide but when you are going into intimate details of your life with just three other people you run out of corners to hide in.
The course is all about confidence and self assertiveness and of course one of the reasons why I lacked both was the fact that I was hiding the fact that I am transsexual.
So outside the course I was chatting to one of the girls after she started crying through relief at being able to get her feelings out at last.I could not just make up a life as I find lying impossible so told her about myself.
Her reaction was that of course she knew I was transsexual but said that she and the other two girls liked me for what I am.
So,you would think,problem solved.
No.Stupid girl that I am with all my neurosis have been thinking ever since that I must have driven the other four away.
Why,when everything is going well,must I look for the worst things and knock myself down?
I know that when I get recognition,praise or love I blossom but this is kicked into touch when all the things I was made to believe when I was younger filter back into my mind.Liking yourself when you were brought up to hate yourself is not an easy task.

Moi?

Certainly not one to blow my own trumpet but my therapist said today that I am considered a remarkable and courageous woman.
I would not go that far but starting to consider myself not half bad.
Well,it's a start isn't it?

Am I in the right place?

Got my knuckles rapped yet again by a T/S girl today as it seems that I wasn't treating the whole matter of transgender seriously enough.
Now I know that GD can be an upsetting business, God knows I have been down in the dumps about it enough times but is it compulsary to wear a hair shirt and practice self flagelation all the time.
I have had to use humour to get me through life,mostly against myself.When you have been sexually abused for a number of years you either find a coping mechanism or go under.
I never saw my transitioning as a path of endless misery.
As a carer for a severe depresive I was taught that when you get angry go out a kick something of find a quiet place and scream.Also if you don't laugh you will end up even more depressed than the person you are caring for.
At 63 I am a lot nearer the grave than birth so it is time to take life a little less seriously.
That's one of the reasons I like Loris,we laugh.
She had better not do it to often though or she to will get a visit from the tranny police.

Needed

Following my meeting with the diversity people yesterday another interesting thing happened today which got me thinking.
Jean(my tutor) was delayed for half an hour today which made the course into a bit of a scramble and another person joining didn't help matters timewise.
So as I had done part of the course before I went round helping the girls out with their paperwork.At the end of the day Jean thanked me for helping,without being asked to.
Said to her today that I just got a buzz out of it and she suggested I was a natural and should go into adult education as a classroom volunteer helper.
Now as to the buzz.It has been pointed out on more than one occasion that those with the most baggage have the greatest need to help others and with me helping is a need.
I simply need to be needed.
I like helping where I can but the very fact that I am getting something out of it makes me feel selfish.Get this one sorted out in my head and I may actually feel fulfilled.

The two sides of Julia

Just found out that my grandaughter had a lovely birthday party yesterday,all the family were round.Strange,I don't remember being there.
Also a rather abusive text message from Adam yesterday replying to my message.He doesn't remember sending it ,strange again.He does however remember leaving his mobile at home while he went out,now who could have got at that?
The point behind the blog title.I am a Gemini.Two sided.That very much applies to me.
I can be the sweetest of sweet people who would give herself away.
I can also be the nastiest,most vindictive bitch in christendom.
Happenings over the last few days means that the bitch is back.I will repay any kindness threefold but equaly any hurt.
Nobody had better upset me in the near future

A trifle low

The lovely Loris visited me today.
Everything I thought she would be,a lovely woman.
The only trouble is that an hour or so after dhe left I got quite low.
While she was here it was communicating face to face with someone who thinks the same and just is the same.
Then the isolation of the T/S hit in.Despite however well meaning folk can be nobody understands a transsexual like a transsexual.Having her in the house was a real high for me but unfortunately lows follow highs.
I do so hope we can meet up often.I help her and she helps me.

Going it alone(well almost)

Following on from the last blog I have stuck to my guns about not logging in to Angels.
Anything t/s is bad for me.
If I read one more thing about the right makeup/underwear or stealth/non stealth I will bloody well scream.As for hairstyles well it's up to the individual what hairstyle they have or how much they paid for it.It's between them and their bank balance.
For a hell of a while the whole t/s scene was confusing me.My gender counsellor and charing cross told me there was no need for voice therapy or laser as I pass just fine.Then I was inundated by threads saying you just have to have it to live RLE properly.So I ended up thinking there was something wrong with me.In other words I didn't fit in with what others were doing.
Then the truth dawned I AM A WOMAN,always have been always will be.
May not have all the right bits but thats tough,I can live with that.
Not severed all links as I still have Debbie(bless her)and my soulmate Loris.
But there is one big difference,they are women too.

Done it !!!!!!

Re my blog yesterday I went to the new course today.
There were six of us there plus the tutor,who I knew from the last course.
The introductions came first of course,you know the style creeping death.Usually I launch myself in first to get it over with but this time I bided my time.
Then came me"I'm Julia.I'm a long term carer for my partner"None of this "Oh and by the way I am transsexual.I hope nobody minds".
Now I haven't the faintest idea if anybody guessed or not and to be perfectly honest don't bloody well care.I was treated as the dippy blonde that I am and thats just fine with me.
In fact when I mentioned that I have this desire to keep changing my hair colour myself and another two girls thought it was a fun idea to use one of those temporary red hair sprays for red nose week.
It was easy with friends and family,easy with complete strangers but when I think I will be myself with a group of people divulging our innermost secrets for the next fifteen weeks I regard it as a major step forward

New course

Will be starting my new course tomorrow. Actualy it's the same course I did earlier this year and never finished.
Confidence and Assertiveness is the name of the course and I am certainly assertive and appear confident.In the role I live I am confident but it is those gremlins from the past that give me trouble.
Mainly I go for the social interaction,it gets lonely here sometimes.
When I think back over recent years on courses I have attended my outlook has changed every time.
Firstly it was I am Peter but I am transsexual,has anybody got any problems with that?
Then it moved on to I am Julia but I am transsexual.
Now it's going to be I am Julia,end of.If anybody spots I am trans fair enough and if anybody doesn't like it they can go elsewhere.
I am me and bloody well proud of it

Therapist

Visit to my therapist today.
It has been two weeks since my last visit but in a way that has been a good thing as I have had to work out major lifestyle strategies without backup.
She agreed that I am worrying less every visit about what others think of me and am becoming more adaptable with regard to looking after myself.
For example in my quest to help others it was my aim to become a counsellor/therapist.I have now realised that I have more than enough problems looking after myself and Geraldine to take on any more.I still love to help but it must be a two way thing,all gving and no taking can make the well run dry.
Loads more was said but when I suggested that I must face things head on and thought that fortnightly rather than weekly visits would be better she said it was a move forward.
Life will be tough in the future but nothing ventured nothing gained and I never had things easy

Feeling better.

Over the last few weeks I have been on a bit of a downer,nothing to do with transitioning.
I have had threatening text messages and a lot of the insecurities from my childhood have resurfaced.Now I am a carer pure and simple and not just for Geraldine.I care for my friends and their welfare matters more than by own.
Over the years as a carer for Geraldine I have pretty much been left to it and treated as a pain in the bum if I asked for help but then most carers are treated the same.
So,though I have taken on everybody elses problems I feel wrong giving my woes to others to listen to.
Then along comes Loris.
We talk the same language and are in a strange way soulmates.
Our mails and phone chats are a two way thing.
When I look on forums all I seem to see is a look at me mentality totally devoid of real compassion.
Can't wait to meet Loris for the first time on sunday.

Masks

Back like a bad penny on the blog again.
Been doing a bit of self analysis,don't we all,and came up with a few answers.
Now I am not kidding myself that I can fool all the people all of the time but I am never challenged.Been told that I have an aura that folk darent or they would suffer the consequences.
I have a hard shell surrounding me which is there for a purpose.
I am aware that one reader of this blog(you know who you are sweetie) has been through the mill of abuse and rape.Despite how much therapy you go through that will never go away and you will make damned sure it will never happen again.
Underneath this hard shell I am very fragile but can only show my true self to those I trust(again the same person applies very much)
I said in my last post that I am suicidal but not in the way some may see it.It is not a cry for help or attention and though I feel that way I will never do it or I will let the buggers who hurt me win.
The self harming is another matter.It is a way of letting the pain I feel out.
I will survive and if I can help others through my own experiences then my life will have some meaning.

The flipside

Feeling suicidal and started self harming again.

I received yet another abusive text message from my sons partner today the gist of which was"You will never see your grandchildren and we will be moving and not let you know our new address"
Transitioning is not a bed of roses and brings more pain than pleasure.
I don't do it through choice,I have to.
Not sure how much longer though

Lost youth

Went to the hairdressers yesterday with Becca and got chatting about my next hair colour.Decided on red next time and bless Nikki she will do it.
Why this changing colour monthly thing?
If I had been born female I just know that in my teens and twenties I would have had the shortest skirts in town and would have changed my hair colour weekly.Even now at my age I still look on in admiration at Lily Allen.
So the lost youth has just transferred to an eccentric o;d lady who doesn't give a damn.

Devastated

Today an old friend of Geraldines phoned her up,a friend who she has not spoken to for a couple of months.
The subject got on to her bad leg and then mention was made of my arthritis.
It was said by Geraldine that the HRT,which will be prescribed,would also be good for me because of "his transsexual problem".During the same conversation I was referred to as Peter and Him.
Now Geraldine has to my face been entirely supportive but when her guard was down all the old stereotypes reared their ugly head.
I felt absolutely gutted.
I now feel happier with people who have only ever known me as Julia,at least they treat me as a person in my own right.
I am a carer and always will be so will never leave but am now starting to think if there is any future in being myself.

Coming to terms

On a previous posting I mentioned the getting older thing and on friday this really came home to roost.
I went over to see a dear friend and this involved a trip on the A14,a fairly busy road but not terrible.To tell the truth I did not feel safe driving and when I got home I was absolutely shattered.
I was told a few years ago that stress affects my angina in a big way and it was mentioned that I should consider cutting down my driving to shopping and local trips.Now mobility is such a part of my life I dismissed the thought out of hand but the time could now be right.
My arthritis is slowing me down and I have to start listening to my body.
My mind,however,tells me I am 25.

Conflict of interests

While skimming through Angels last night I came across a posting from Bea about a trip out for a cup of coffee.She gave a full description of what she was wearing even down to the colour of her bra and knickers.
Now,I could not even tell,if asked,what colour underwear I was wearing half the time.When I have been out of the house recently it has been thermal underwear.Not exactly glamorous,but practical and warm.
I am not full of angst about my gender as have more things to worry about as a carer.
I do my best to help out T/S friends but sometimes wonder if I am in the right place to offer advice.
Could just be old age setting in.
When I look at postings on Angels the Wogam expression"Is it me?"comes to mind.
Well is it?

Friends in need

Have been feeling a bit low recently with my caring responsibilities getting on top of me.Then this morning had a phone call from the lovely Loris.
I like Loris,no getting away from it.We chat about all things trans of course but the other everyday things as well,music,holidays,anything.
There is no pity or self pity involved.
We will both get to wherever we are intending to go in our own way and supporting each other.
Of course I have no idea where I want to end up,just enjoying being me and going where fate takes me.

A little peal of hope

Following the rough week I have been through I popped into Sainsburys today after a meeting with my care co-ordinator.
I had just entered the door when a policewoman approached me."Excuse me madam" she said"Would you like one of these little bells that attach to your purse?If someone tried to take your purse out of your shopping bag then you would hear it"
When I hear so many negative stories of the treatment T/S girls get it was a ray of hope.Or could it be that as everyone who knows me says I am female in looks as well as thought?

Labels

One of the best bits about this blog is that I can write down the bits I daren't put on Angels,though I would love to.
Been thinking about the difference between female and feminine.
Feminine on a lot of postings seems to be the dream.Lovely dress,killer heels and slap,or it seems a trip to Boudoir,and you have the lot.An instant trip to fantasy island.
That is a lot of the trouble it is fantasy pure and simple.
I am female and to me it invoves the everyday things in life,cooking,cleaning and ironing plus battling for a till in Tesco's.
It's hard to feel feminine,believe me,when you are cleaning the loo.
I do female full time because that is what I am and good luck to all who aspire to the same.They will need the luck,a lot of hard graft,guts a plenty and a very thick skin.
Would I change a bit though?
Never

Old

Was watching a programme the other night in the Folk America series and this one was of special interest to me as it covered music from the sixties.At that age I was the rebel,Che was my hero and only a few people had ever heard of Bob Dylan let alone seen him.We were the protestors and we were different and not afraid to show it.
Nostalgia reigned during that programme but when the interviews were being shown shock followed by realisation kicked in.
God,everybody was so OLD.Still fighting for the cause,still different but like me old.
I am now in my sixties,racked with arthritis and won't see 70.
Perhaps it is time to stop fighting for the cause and make the most of what time I have left.
If I don't look like what I am some of the time then who the hell cares.
I have had one hell of a life and am there for anybody who needs me but have no need to chase causes or people any more.

Respite

Katy Sparkes came round today for my couple of hours of respite care but Geraldine had made it quite clear that she didn't want to go out.She has been looking at the weather for a couple of days almost praying for snow.
So Katy did a home visit which meant no respite for yet another week.She also brought the bad news that there is yet another hold up in the paperwork for Hospital Road as we have not got a care co-ordinator.I am starting to think it will never happen.
Katy pointed out that I am naturally female,which I know that I am,but I no longer feel feminine.Geraldine has now given up on everything and is getting more and more demanding on my time.As a result I never get the time or opportunity to "glam up"any more after all when the only time you go out is to go shopping it's just not worth it.
Hoping that if and when my new course starts it will give me the chance to feel a bit feminine again.
What I really need is a day out but having lost most of my friends and the few I have left being to busy seems like it's not going to happen.
As a postscript after not wanting to go out with Katy Geraldine asked if we can go out tomorrow!Feel like we are joined at the hip