What you can never have

I was watching a television programme tonight on transitioning with the emphasis on surgery.
I switched it off halfway throough because I found it to distressing.
I will never have this,not because I do not need it but because of my age and the fact that I am a carer.
I will NOT commit suicide besause I believe it is grossly unfair to those who need you but it does mean I never go through a day without suffering.

Had some thinking time to decide which direction my life is going and where I have gone wrong in the past.
I am female and that is the be all and end all.
To find my way I have been to Counsellors who have ended up screwing my mind.
I have been through the NHS system who make an art form of passing the buck.
I have been through contacting the trans community who with one exception have all been the biggest load of bitches it has been my misfortune to encounter.
So it's me on my own.

Horrible

Terrible day today. Had this throbbing headache all day and feel completely drained.
Trouble is the worse I feel the more depressed I feel and don't want it to get back to this wishing to end it all stage again,
If only someone,anyone cared for me it would help but my place in life is of the giver not the taker.

Taking stock

Over the last few weeks I have been so tired and run down all the time that it has left me completely drained.
I seem to be chasing my tail all the time so it is time to have a rest.
It will be nice if people contact me but I am not going to get myself in this awful state any more of wondering if they will contact me.

Mental Health

Heaven knows what is happening to my referral to Mental Health.
I have rung them but all they will say is that they have to keep asking more questions of my doctor.
I think that my being TS is muddying the waters a little but hope to find out more on my doctors visit tomorrow.
Either that or they are having a made to measure straight jacket manufactured.
Hope it's in pink.

Heat seeking ferrett

Having one of my hyper days today,in fact it started yesterday evening.
Now if I could only balance out the thousand mph days with the dead slow and stop ones I would be fine.

Says it all

Last night I sat here counting out Geraldines tablets and had an overwhelming desire to take the whole contents of the packets.
Today when I woke up I wish that I had.