Hanging on in there

My new granddaughter was born premature this morning.
She is in the special baby unit,ill,but hanging on in there,a fighter like me.
There is nothing I can do but give support.
So to stop me getting maudling please continue to contact me.
Talk about girlie things,dresses,earrings anything.
I need a smile on my face not sympathy
Jools

Please help

Being a fulltime carer means that I don't get much time to think so this quiet hour first thing in the morning is when I collect my thoughts.
Charing Cross will be coming up next month so thinking what comes next.
The thought of surgery is starting to frighten me to death as it would be very dodgy due to my health and I don't want to leave G a widow.
Hormones might make me far less of a coper as being a mental health carer means a clear head at all times is needed.
Now I don't scrub up to bad when I make an effort and people treat me as who I am.
Angels does confuse me as full transitioning seems to be the be all and end all.
So this is a request for my reader.
Would it be to bad if I stayed as I am?
Would you think any the less of me if I did?
Your thoughts are needed.

Pie in the sky?

I really must stop thinking first thing in the morning,with a brain as small as mine it makes my head hurt.
Anyway afer that request for money,which I have not got,yesterday I considered what I can give.
I have been a carer now for over thirty years.
I am a transitioning T/S
I am a married gay.
Now all that must mean I have a wealth of experience which somebody must be able to benefit from.Angels is not the place to use it as my remarks are likely to be highjacked by some smartarse with an axe to grind.
I would so much like to set up some type of informal support group for those who are not brave enough to talk openly on forums.
May be a completely pie in the sky idea but if anybody reads this I am here to listen,if nothing else.

The final nail

When Geraldine and I got married many years ago we hardly had two pennies to rub together.We lived in a small flat and everything we had was second hand.
Economising became an art form and we learnt to make a meal out of practically nothing.
There habits die hard and still living this way enabled me to retire on a very small pension to look after Geraldine.We have very little money left so the odd pair of earrings is a real treat.
Today I received a text message from Adams partner.Lets give some background.When they got together a baby was very shortly on the way.This was followed by another child,due within a year.They live on convenience food and all their stuff is brand new.
A couple of months ago Adam asked me if I would put the finance for a new car in my name.When I refused I fot a lot of unpleasantness from his partner who now refuses to recognise me in female mode.
The email stated that they have no money and if I thought anything of my son and granddaughter I would give them money.
The final nail in my coffin

Swings and roundabouts

A bit of a downer tonight.
Saw my doctor,along with Geraldine and she admitted there was very little she could do to get me help.
Also emailed people as I was in the need of being cheered up but no reply.
It really does look as if from the medical point of view that I have been just left to get on with it.
I will get somewhere but it's going to be a case of fighting like hell which is leaving me so damned tired.

Random thoughts for Christmas

When I was coming home from the shopping slog at Sainsburys today something happened to make me think.
It was about 1.30 and a girl ran from a car to a house.She had on a long coat but underneath could clearly be seen a very short silver lurex dress and legs to die for.
Now I wondered if she had been to a party so good that she had just come home or was visiting someone and thought it's nearly Christmas I don't give a damn what people think.
Whatever,she made me smile. Like the person who you just say hello to and they give a flashing smile back.
I am an extrovert and a dippy blonde but my very dippiness made folk smile.
Now I am a carer for my partner who has severe depression and so as a result made myself miserable in order not to upset her.
Is this right or would I be a better person and carer if I was just myself who made people smile and more important smiled myself?
As T/S I feel as if I should just blend in and not rock the boat.
I want to rock the boat a bit.
I want to dress up in a short skirt and a silly wig to go and see Priscilla Queen of the Desert,the musical.
I want to go to sparkle and have a laugh.
I just want to be me,me,me ,me and if I can bring some joy to someones life doing it then so much the better.

Reasons

There is low because of something others do do you.
There is low because of circumstances.
And there is low because of things you dare not admit.
At the moment I am keeping a hyper exterior to fool othere and to fool myself because of the third reason.

Afterthought

Watching I'm a celebrity tonight(shows my IQ level)Joe said I am very,very comfortable with my own sexuality so what is wrong in cuddling George(a gay man)
Seems that those men who are ashamed to be seen with Gay or T/S could learn a lot from that.

Hope

As they say in results programmes in no particular order I would like to thank Becca and Loris for their heatwarming messages today.
The thought of meeting up(in Becca's case again) and doing lunch fills my heart with hope in my darkest days.

Lowering the bar

At last I had a chance of a long talk yesterday.It was away from my home with Katy Thomas from Suffolk Carers.
She said that she will do everything in her power to get me respite and look into possble counsellors who may be able to help me.This may be a problem as I am completely skint but if you don't look you don't get.
In the meantime I know that I have to lower my personal bar.
I am a carer and this can't change-fact.
I have to get through Christmas with no money-fact
I have to get on with the vast backlog of household duties-fact.
I know that I have friends who sometimes read this blog so a message to them.
I love to chat but my phone bill is horrendous so if you would like me to ring you on a landline I would love to do so after 6 or a weekends as my calls are free.Any other time or on a mobile is no I am afraid.
I would love to help you all but it must be a two way thing.If you have a problem I will do my best to help but remember I have problems too.
If you would like to go window shopping or have a coffee that would be delightful as it is a two way experience.
Accept the fact that I am gay(I am not predatory)and I will accept you.
Sorry for the ramble,reader

Improvement?

Well I got through the night and woke up this morning.Glad that I did. Must be some improvement.

Another labels debate

I see that the cathouse has launched into yet another soulsearching debate about what is stealth.
This is best ignored as I am pretty certain that most of the people invoved were in a former life involved in a my willy is bigger than yours scenario and have brought those views with them.
For me it's a case of being treated as a woman by strangers and those who knew me as a man.
Being myself.
Simple isn't it?

Bitter,moi?

It finally happened this morning.
I collapsed,keeled over,fell on a heap on the floor and couldn't get up.
I had an appointment booked with Suffolk Carers on wednesday so had the courtesy to ring them up to cancel.
The lovely lady who answered my call,I found out later,did not like how I sounded so told the lady I was supposed to have been meeting.The lady rang me back and the very fact that someone cared made me burst into floods of tears.
So,she wants to meet me on wednesday for a cup of coffee and a chat so that we can talk things out.
I am not a psychiatrist but the way I have been treated by Mental health I might as well be one as they have abandoned all responsibilty.
Now I have asked for help for years and been repeatedly told just to get on with it.
Yet I look on Angels and see gutless girls being molycoddled and know girls who can get help at will.
Am I bitter against them.To bloody true I am

Sick to death

The title says it all again.
I am actually sick at the moment,feel like I have been run over by a bus. Could be a virus,could be coming off the citalopram or could be because I an bloody shattered.
The second reason is that I am sick to death of the postings on Angels and the more I look at it the more I know that I don't belong there.
My main purpose on this hard journey they call transitioning was just to be me,nothing more,nothing less.
I feel no need to be like miss x or miss y but the whole trans scene seems to be to follow some sort of pattern.
Not for me

A girl can change her mind

It was once said to me that I will never have a dirty mind because I change it so often.
Well,following a lovely phone call last night I realise that if I go quiet some may worry so the blog remains open.

Advance notice

Due to severe personal problems this site will be going off-line on 1/12/08.
Thanks for your support.
Jools

Smile and wave

Thanks to the lovely Jean,what would I do without her?,another random thought crossed my mind after last evening's course.
Do I really want the pain of SRS?
Do I really need the emotional turmoil of hormones?
Or am I happier just striving to me?
Seems to me the third question supplies the answer.
Gay,transsexual,they are just labels.It's me I want.
So in the words of my beloved penguins just smile and wave,smile and wave.

Christmas

I know that on the 24th November it is a bit early to talk about this subject but the television and papers seem to be full of it so why not?
Christmas is a bad time for me.
When your parents are dead and your circle of friends that you see face to face is decreasing on a daily basis the thought fills me with horror.
I had a phone call from Adam yesterday saying that as his mother in law and her son are staying with them over the whole of the Christmas period he will not be seeing me.
I have sent out an invitation to a friend who I speak to over the phone to come and visit(gives me a chance to show off my cooking) but the reply was non comittal.I did open the invitation to her girlfriend and the dogs as well!.
So it looks like it is going to be just G and me.Very aware that many are in the same situation or on their own but it's still sad as I am a very social person.
Also it brings back some sad thoughts.When I had a large circle of workmates it came to the fun season.All the girls would dress up in their finery and I so wished it was me.Then the terrible party where at the end it turned up into a pair off situation for the younger ones,Imagine my horror when that happened and to make it worse the only person I fancied was male.It did turn out that I found when I had left that he was gay!!!Would love to get in touch with him now but have lost touch long ago.
So on the bright side will give me a chance to put on my party dress and Rudolph earrings.

Relief

Following the last blog entry I have e-mailed a few close friends about the contents and apart from one no reply I have been overwhelmed by the support.
The good guys are out there.Thank you.

Confession

No doubt that if this ever comes to light with my TS friends I may well lose a few but if something needs saying it has to be said,so here goes.
I am gay,always have been always will be,though due to being raped in my teens have never had sex with a man since.
I am T/S but in my case the two go together.
That's that said. Feel better now.

Warning

As the other two students on my course did not turn up last night the tutor and I turned it into a one to one,say anything session. My what a two hour cleanout that was.
Will not go into everything said but one topic does concern this blog.
I am a carer for my wife who has personality disorder OCD and have been for the last thirty years.Over the years the fact that her condition has ben diagnosed as incurable has meant that all medical support has been withdrawn and I have no friends who I can pop out and have a natter to.As a result I have to be carer/psychiatrist and psycholgist 24 hours a day,365 days a year.The problem with this is I have nobody at all to unload to and my problems have to stop right here.
So mt tutor suggested I use my blog to get all the day's frustations out. So if you read this blog it may be in your interests to stop now.
So.
.
.
.
.
.
First moan
How can anybody who'se problems you have listened to every single day for 30 years,often through the whole night tell you when you have a problem to shut up because she doesn't want to hear me going on about it?
Answers on a postcard plese

Happiness

I woke this morning feeling more alive and confident than I have for years.
Aware that this blog is usually about me,me me but for a change it is about the really important person in my world.
For many years I have been Geraldine's carer and have tried to repair the damage that was done in her youth.I have made small steps but feel that I have only been holding the fort.
Over the last few weeks her confidence has been growing and this weekend I saw that she was actually blossoming.For the first time she is confident,happy and herself.
I know that I was not the person who caused this change(thanks,you know who you are) but if I have helped by my support I feel good.

Me

Not blogged for a while but I am going through a bit of a breakdown and at the moment fighting for help through the NHS.
I WILL bounce back but it may take a little while.
A rather nasty email criticising how I look has not helped but it's my life.
May not look like the stereotype trans girl but I do look like me.

Speading the butter

Had the chance to sit back for a few minutes and re-evaluate my life.
I like to think that I have a gift for helping others but realise this has taken over my life.
I have spread the butter a bit to thinly and as a result am neglecting myself quite badly.It may be time to step back and look after myself and Geraldine.
I will still help others as it's my way but within my own resources.
For those who read this it does not mean I think a fraction the less of you and love to talk to you as the good friends you are but I am worn out and exhausted.

Pass the parcel

On my referral to Mental Health.
A little while ago I had a phone call from my doctor sayiing that Mental Health will not be sseing me as my mood swings are obviously part of my transitioning and the matter should be dealt with by Charing Cross.
Today I had a letter from Charing Cross requesting me to have another blood test taken as the testosterone level could not be analysed.Also I will need a fasting blood test as my cholesterol and triglycerides were high. OK,fair enough,but they also said I should go back to my GP to get the mood swing reasons sorted out before I next see them.
It's pass the bloody parcel all over again.
I am not giving up or wimping out but what are you supposed to do without any support whatsoever from the people who are supposed to be helping you?

What you can never have

I was watching a television programme tonight on transitioning with the emphasis on surgery.
I switched it off halfway throough because I found it to distressing.
I will never have this,not because I do not need it but because of my age and the fact that I am a carer.
I will NOT commit suicide besause I believe it is grossly unfair to those who need you but it does mean I never go through a day without suffering.

Had some thinking time to decide which direction my life is going and where I have gone wrong in the past.
I am female and that is the be all and end all.
To find my way I have been to Counsellors who have ended up screwing my mind.
I have been through the NHS system who make an art form of passing the buck.
I have been through contacting the trans community who with one exception have all been the biggest load of bitches it has been my misfortune to encounter.
So it's me on my own.

Horrible

Terrible day today. Had this throbbing headache all day and feel completely drained.
Trouble is the worse I feel the more depressed I feel and don't want it to get back to this wishing to end it all stage again,
If only someone,anyone cared for me it would help but my place in life is of the giver not the taker.

Taking stock

Over the last few weeks I have been so tired and run down all the time that it has left me completely drained.
I seem to be chasing my tail all the time so it is time to have a rest.
It will be nice if people contact me but I am not going to get myself in this awful state any more of wondering if they will contact me.

Mental Health

Heaven knows what is happening to my referral to Mental Health.
I have rung them but all they will say is that they have to keep asking more questions of my doctor.
I think that my being TS is muddying the waters a little but hope to find out more on my doctors visit tomorrow.
Either that or they are having a made to measure straight jacket manufactured.
Hope it's in pink.

Heat seeking ferrett

Having one of my hyper days today,in fact it started yesterday evening.
Now if I could only balance out the thousand mph days with the dead slow and stop ones I would be fine.

Says it all

Last night I sat here counting out Geraldines tablets and had an overwhelming desire to take the whole contents of the packets.
Today when I woke up I wish that I had.

Self medding

Due to the attitude of ny local doctors and the runaround I have been given by the PCT I have finally had enough of crying out for help which does not come.
So I am doing something I swore I would never do and self med,
Sure they may not fit in with my existing medication but as they refuse to do a blood test or make an appointment to see an endoctrinologist it's a chance that I have to take.

Happiness

This is one of my favourite photo's of me.Not glamorous by any means,the garden is not a work of art and the house needs a fair bit of work but it is me at my happiest.

Sharing

I was quite shocked when I viewed my blog and saw a couple of comments.It meant that I am sharing my thoughts with someone and that means more to me than anybody knows,
Things often go round and round in my head when telling someone would help.
I am not looking for answers,just the relief of sharing.

Hope

After a few weeks of nothing but negatives something has raised my hopes for humanity.
A few weeks ago somebody told me that they did not like transsexuals and nor did anybody else.
Last week I was told that I will burn in hell for what I am.
Then today I got a lovely email from a tutor on a course I had been on referring to what I am in a positive manner.
One email made up for all the insults and the phone calls that no longer come from people I thought of as friends.
There is some good in the world

Brand new me

This is the brand new blogsite.
Very unhappy with the old me and the way things were going.
It's time to think about ME and if anybody doesn't like me-tough luck.
I have spent far to long waiting for a phone call or an e-mail so now if people don't contact me then it's their considerable loss.

New

Julia has gone. Long live Jools