I am not supergirl

While doing one of Geraldines thousand and one "little jobs" this morning I found her standing behind me planning the next one.I turned and just blurted out"I am not superwoman"
Now that got me thinking-dangerous.
When I go to Charing Cross the majority of the girls in the waiting room seem to have faces like a bag of spanners and sit there with their legs wide apart.I thought for a while that they must have a day for the really ugly ones,me included.
Then I thought what am I comparing with?I just look at the photos on Angels and see these well made up,well dressed creatures. But the point is they are pictures,posed and heaven knows how many went into the bin till the right one came along.
Lately on Angels the fashion police have been having at a go at the genetic girls out shopping and saying how bad they look.I am lucky enough to have some good friends who are ordinary girls and the cry of"summers coming,that means I will have to start shaving my legs again"is not uncommon.
Back to the point.I am just an ordinary woman doing an ordinary job.
I am not superwoman.
I get tired,irritable and a downright moody cow at times but I am me and surely that is all that matters.
My horoscape todays said that when a wound heals it itches but we just have to scratch it and open it up again.They said that it is often better to put a plaster over it.Lesson there for me.
Don't try to obtain the unobtainable and don't go looking for fools gold.

Missed it

Just been watching F1 qualifying.
What I missed so much afterwards was getting straight on the phone to Adam to go through what happened.
There are forums for motorspoert which are no doubt buzzing at this moment but the trouble is every opinion has a counter and there are those who are just looking for an internet fight.
It is a strange but sad fact of life that hiding behind the anonymity of a keyboard on whatever forum brings out the worst in some people.

Don't worry

I had a couple of phone calls yesterday evening from very dear friends who were a trifle worried about my welfare.
No need to worry girls,it's still going to be the same old me.
When I first starting racing a very old hand told me that"the throttle works both ways" and I have always born that in mind.
I am just me and cannot take on the whole worlds problems,just do what I can.
I have two amazing friends.Stand up and take a bow Loris and Debbie.
For both of them friendship is a two way thing and I love them for it.

Second thoughts

I heard today that my offer to be a adult learning classroom volunteer has been a thanks but no thanks as they seem to have enough people.
On the Suffolk County Council front the contact I had seems to be suddenly unavailable.
When I have been offered voluntary work in the past it has been in an office on my own.
Getting the drift?
I was,repeat was,a serial helper. Do anything for anyone and put myself second
Second thoughts now.
For my friends and Geraldine I will do anything but that is all now.
Julia has decided to take care of herself and that will take some getting used to.

Mirror,mirror on the wall

I think I have solved some of my problem,it's that bathroom mirror.
Some mornings I look into it at it tells me I am a beautiful,sophisticated lady who does not even need make up.
Then it turns nasty.
At the moment all it is showing is this hideous old crone who would need a large tub of polyfilla to look presentable.
Must get myself a new mirror

Loris

Loris has talked some sense into me.
Trouble is that with me the buck stops here and the negative thoughts just go round and round.
Had a good cry and felt better

Think!

On the principle of thinking before putting anything in writing I went out for a drive following my last blog entry.
Right.Thought now post.
The very ethos of the transsexual society has been irritating the hell out of me lately.I can agree with very little that has been written on forums and the general opinion of there being one way to do things goes against the grain.
I do things my way and up to a point it suits.I have made mistakes and learnt from them and will no doubt continue to do so.
Some things girls are doing I feel is a disater waiting to happen but it is their life and I will not be thanked for sticking my oar in.However I have changed and will not be around to pick up the pieces when they crash and burn.
I would like to make this blog reader only but in the past people I want to let in have been unable to and visa versa.
Therfore I will now stop posting but leave the blog open.
Anyone who needs or wants to contact me I will still be around on the usual sources.
Julia
xxx

Grave doubts

I was tidying up the front garden yesterday when the postman walked by.Nothing you may think but no mothers day card.
Left me brooding all day.There is now just Geraldine and I and she needs me.
With her health and depending on me can I take the risk of hormones,no matter how small.I have not got everything I want but I can compromise.
I am a one off and realise that.For a time I kidded myself that I could be of use to other girls but that is just what it is,kidding myself.
Will probably carry on in the same old way,just being there if and when others may need me but my use will be very limited.
The girls will all probably go a lot further along their journey medicaly wise than I will ever go.
I have booked my bus to go to Charing Cross on thursday but will in all probability just turn it into a shopping trip instead.
I have seen in the past on Angels some who have become very bitter about their partners for not understanding and letting them live their lives.
Geraldine has been great but I owe her something in return

No,seriously

I like writing this blog,I really do.I can put down things that would get me excomunicated from Angels.
On the forum today Loris mentioned that I made her laugh and that may be my trouble.
Despite all the angst of transitioning I just cannot take it seriously.
To find out why I have to look at my past when the population wore woad.
I was born just after the war and the first few years of my life were during peropds of deprivation and rationing.If people then had not learnt to laugh at problems and themselves they would have been chucking themselves off cliffs like lemmings(actually they don't,that was something made up by Walt Disney,who thought it would make good cinema).
My life is a darned site better than it ever was as a male so I might as well smile about it.
Told you didn't I?If I had posted this on Angels the lynch mob would be on it's way

Assumptions

My visit to the NHS person vounteering my services for diversity matters did not go well.
It was considered that the best role for me was locked away in a small room with a committee who were all very,very pc.
I queried this yesterday with the lady who had arranged the introduction and her viewpoint was that the move was made to protect me.Their viewpoint was that if the public decided to have a go at me I could get hurt and upset.
The point is that they assumed.
This morning I had a call from the respite worker who said that she could not come today.Half an hours notice!!!!.She will be on holiday next week which means no respite for a fortnight.This time is booked up for me for important appointments dealing with both my wife's and my health.As she put the phone down she said "that will be ok with you,won't it Julia?".
Again she assumed.
To a large percentage of the public transsexuals are seen as prancing around in stilletos and frilly knickers.They may be right about some but they have no right to assume that I do.
I BLOODY WELL GIVE UP

After the lord mayors show

Following the brilliant weekend I just knew things were going to come down to earth with a bump.
Had a phone call from Adam today,he is moving to Ipwich in April,a couple of roads away from the bitches mother. My only way of keeping in contact with Adam was to call in at his work now with the evil cow monitoring his phone calls and text messages she has finally managed to split us up.
Had a crowing text from her later stating I would never see him or the grandchildren again.
Geraldine is going to need me over this one.
I may be back,I may not.
Love to you all.
Julia
xxx

Respite

I dropped Geraldine off to respite yesterday.
A strange rest of the day for me as I charged round the house clearing up the massive backlog of little jobs,however I kept waiting for the call of "Julia".
Geraldine phoned me yesterday evening and this morning and she is getting on fine,which has put my mind at rest.If she can get back monday feeling just a little more independant that will be great for her.
It has also given me a little constructive thinking time as to my future.
Geraldine and a few close friends accept me as I am now and I am comfortable the way I am. Sure joe public,on close inspection,are going to see that I am trans but so what,It's my life.
Surgery will never be for me as I am responsible for G and daren't take the risk.Even hormones,if they don't suit me I won't take them.Easy as.
In the muggle world there is pressure to be just like everybody else and unfortunately in the trans world a pressure to conform to a pattern just to "fit in"
I am Julia,a "one off" and happy to remain that way.
A little p.s
Just got my posh business suit out for tuesdays meeting and tried it on.Don't scrub up bad for an old 'un and the legs are still holding out!

Just when you think

When I started on this new course I was determined to be just female and not go into my gender differences.
We started with eight people and have now got down to the hardcore of four and that is where the problems started.With a crowd you can hide but when you are going into intimate details of your life with just three other people you run out of corners to hide in.
The course is all about confidence and self assertiveness and of course one of the reasons why I lacked both was the fact that I was hiding the fact that I am transsexual.
So outside the course I was chatting to one of the girls after she started crying through relief at being able to get her feelings out at last.I could not just make up a life as I find lying impossible so told her about myself.
Her reaction was that of course she knew I was transsexual but said that she and the other two girls liked me for what I am.
So,you would think,problem solved.
No.Stupid girl that I am with all my neurosis have been thinking ever since that I must have driven the other four away.
Why,when everything is going well,must I look for the worst things and knock myself down?
I know that when I get recognition,praise or love I blossom but this is kicked into touch when all the things I was made to believe when I was younger filter back into my mind.Liking yourself when you were brought up to hate yourself is not an easy task.

Moi?

Certainly not one to blow my own trumpet but my therapist said today that I am considered a remarkable and courageous woman.
I would not go that far but starting to consider myself not half bad.
Well,it's a start isn't it?

Am I in the right place?

Got my knuckles rapped yet again by a T/S girl today as it seems that I wasn't treating the whole matter of transgender seriously enough.
Now I know that GD can be an upsetting business, God knows I have been down in the dumps about it enough times but is it compulsary to wear a hair shirt and practice self flagelation all the time.
I have had to use humour to get me through life,mostly against myself.When you have been sexually abused for a number of years you either find a coping mechanism or go under.
I never saw my transitioning as a path of endless misery.
As a carer for a severe depresive I was taught that when you get angry go out a kick something of find a quiet place and scream.Also if you don't laugh you will end up even more depressed than the person you are caring for.
At 63 I am a lot nearer the grave than birth so it is time to take life a little less seriously.
That's one of the reasons I like Loris,we laugh.
She had better not do it to often though or she to will get a visit from the tranny police.

Needed

Following my meeting with the diversity people yesterday another interesting thing happened today which got me thinking.
Jean(my tutor) was delayed for half an hour today which made the course into a bit of a scramble and another person joining didn't help matters timewise.
So as I had done part of the course before I went round helping the girls out with their paperwork.At the end of the day Jean thanked me for helping,without being asked to.
Said to her today that I just got a buzz out of it and she suggested I was a natural and should go into adult education as a classroom volunteer helper.
Now as to the buzz.It has been pointed out on more than one occasion that those with the most baggage have the greatest need to help others and with me helping is a need.
I simply need to be needed.
I like helping where I can but the very fact that I am getting something out of it makes me feel selfish.Get this one sorted out in my head and I may actually feel fulfilled.

The two sides of Julia

Just found out that my grandaughter had a lovely birthday party yesterday,all the family were round.Strange,I don't remember being there.
Also a rather abusive text message from Adam yesterday replying to my message.He doesn't remember sending it ,strange again.He does however remember leaving his mobile at home while he went out,now who could have got at that?
The point behind the blog title.I am a Gemini.Two sided.That very much applies to me.
I can be the sweetest of sweet people who would give herself away.
I can also be the nastiest,most vindictive bitch in christendom.
Happenings over the last few days means that the bitch is back.I will repay any kindness threefold but equaly any hurt.
Nobody had better upset me in the near future

A trifle low

The lovely Loris visited me today.
Everything I thought she would be,a lovely woman.
The only trouble is that an hour or so after dhe left I got quite low.
While she was here it was communicating face to face with someone who thinks the same and just is the same.
Then the isolation of the T/S hit in.Despite however well meaning folk can be nobody understands a transsexual like a transsexual.Having her in the house was a real high for me but unfortunately lows follow highs.
I do so hope we can meet up often.I help her and she helps me.