Saturday 28 February 2009

Going it alone(well almost)

Following on from the last blog I have stuck to my guns about not logging in to Angels.
Anything t/s is bad for me.
If I read one more thing about the right makeup/underwear or stealth/non stealth I will bloody well scream.As for hairstyles well it's up to the individual what hairstyle they have or how much they paid for it.It's between them and their bank balance.
For a hell of a while the whole t/s scene was confusing me.My gender counsellor and charing cross told me there was no need for voice therapy or laser as I pass just fine.Then I was inundated by threads saying you just have to have it to live RLE properly.So I ended up thinking there was something wrong with me.In other words I didn't fit in with what others were doing.
Then the truth dawned I AM A WOMAN,always have been always will be.
May not have all the right bits but thats tough,I can live with that.
Not severed all links as I still have Debbie(bless her)and my soulmate Loris.
But there is one big difference,they are women too.

Wednesday 25 February 2009

Done it !!!!!!

Re my blog yesterday I went to the new course today.
There were six of us there plus the tutor,who I knew from the last course.
The introductions came first of course,you know the style creeping death.Usually I launch myself in first to get it over with but this time I bided my time.
Then came me"I'm Julia.I'm a long term carer for my partner"None of this "Oh and by the way I am transsexual.I hope nobody minds".
Now I haven't the faintest idea if anybody guessed or not and to be perfectly honest don't bloody well care.I was treated as the dippy blonde that I am and thats just fine with me.
In fact when I mentioned that I have this desire to keep changing my hair colour myself and another two girls thought it was a fun idea to use one of those temporary red hair sprays for red nose week.
It was easy with friends and family,easy with complete strangers but when I think I will be myself with a group of people divulging our innermost secrets for the next fifteen weeks I regard it as a major step forward

Tuesday 24 February 2009

New course

Will be starting my new course tomorrow. Actualy it's the same course I did earlier this year and never finished.
Confidence and Assertiveness is the name of the course and I am certainly assertive and appear confident.In the role I live I am confident but it is those gremlins from the past that give me trouble.
Mainly I go for the social interaction,it gets lonely here sometimes.
When I think back over recent years on courses I have attended my outlook has changed every time.
Firstly it was I am Peter but I am transsexual,has anybody got any problems with that?
Then it moved on to I am Julia but I am transsexual.
Now it's going to be I am Julia,end of.If anybody spots I am trans fair enough and if anybody doesn't like it they can go elsewhere.
I am me and bloody well proud of it

Monday 23 February 2009

Therapist

Visit to my therapist today.
It has been two weeks since my last visit but in a way that has been a good thing as I have had to work out major lifestyle strategies without backup.
She agreed that I am worrying less every visit about what others think of me and am becoming more adaptable with regard to looking after myself.
For example in my quest to help others it was my aim to become a counsellor/therapist.I have now realised that I have more than enough problems looking after myself and Geraldine to take on any more.I still love to help but it must be a two way thing,all gving and no taking can make the well run dry.
Loads more was said but when I suggested that I must face things head on and thought that fortnightly rather than weekly visits would be better she said it was a move forward.
Life will be tough in the future but nothing ventured nothing gained and I never had things easy

Feeling better.

Over the last few weeks I have been on a bit of a downer,nothing to do with transitioning.
I have had threatening text messages and a lot of the insecurities from my childhood have resurfaced.Now I am a carer pure and simple and not just for Geraldine.I care for my friends and their welfare matters more than by own.
Over the years as a carer for Geraldine I have pretty much been left to it and treated as a pain in the bum if I asked for help but then most carers are treated the same.
So,though I have taken on everybody elses problems I feel wrong giving my woes to others to listen to.
Then along comes Loris.
We talk the same language and are in a strange way soulmates.
Our mails and phone chats are a two way thing.
When I look on forums all I seem to see is a look at me mentality totally devoid of real compassion.
Can't wait to meet Loris for the first time on sunday.

Sunday 22 February 2009

Masks

Back like a bad penny on the blog again.
Been doing a bit of self analysis,don't we all,and came up with a few answers.
Now I am not kidding myself that I can fool all the people all of the time but I am never challenged.Been told that I have an aura that folk darent or they would suffer the consequences.
I have a hard shell surrounding me which is there for a purpose.
I am aware that one reader of this blog(you know who you are sweetie) has been through the mill of abuse and rape.Despite how much therapy you go through that will never go away and you will make damned sure it will never happen again.
Underneath this hard shell I am very fragile but can only show my true self to those I trust(again the same person applies very much)
I said in my last post that I am suicidal but not in the way some may see it.It is not a cry for help or attention and though I feel that way I will never do it or I will let the buggers who hurt me win.
The self harming is another matter.It is a way of letting the pain I feel out.
I will survive and if I can help others through my own experiences then my life will have some meaning.

Friday 20 February 2009

The flipside

Feeling suicidal and started self harming again.

I received yet another abusive text message from my sons partner today the gist of which was"You will never see your grandchildren and we will be moving and not let you know our new address"
Transitioning is not a bed of roses and brings more pain than pleasure.
I don't do it through choice,I have to.
Not sure how much longer though

Wednesday 18 February 2009

Lost youth

Went to the hairdressers yesterday with Becca and got chatting about my next hair colour.Decided on red next time and bless Nikki she will do it.
Why this changing colour monthly thing?
If I had been born female I just know that in my teens and twenties I would have had the shortest skirts in town and would have changed my hair colour weekly.Even now at my age I still look on in admiration at Lily Allen.
So the lost youth has just transferred to an eccentric o;d lady who doesn't give a damn.

Sunday 15 February 2009

Devastated

Today an old friend of Geraldines phoned her up,a friend who she has not spoken to for a couple of months.
The subject got on to her bad leg and then mention was made of my arthritis.
It was said by Geraldine that the HRT,which will be prescribed,would also be good for me because of "his transsexual problem".During the same conversation I was referred to as Peter and Him.
Now Geraldine has to my face been entirely supportive but when her guard was down all the old stereotypes reared their ugly head.
I felt absolutely gutted.
I now feel happier with people who have only ever known me as Julia,at least they treat me as a person in my own right.
I am a carer and always will be so will never leave but am now starting to think if there is any future in being myself.

Coming to terms

On a previous posting I mentioned the getting older thing and on friday this really came home to roost.
I went over to see a dear friend and this involved a trip on the A14,a fairly busy road but not terrible.To tell the truth I did not feel safe driving and when I got home I was absolutely shattered.
I was told a few years ago that stress affects my angina in a big way and it was mentioned that I should consider cutting down my driving to shopping and local trips.Now mobility is such a part of my life I dismissed the thought out of hand but the time could now be right.
My arthritis is slowing me down and I have to start listening to my body.
My mind,however,tells me I am 25.

Friday 13 February 2009

Conflict of interests

While skimming through Angels last night I came across a posting from Bea about a trip out for a cup of coffee.She gave a full description of what she was wearing even down to the colour of her bra and knickers.
Now,I could not even tell,if asked,what colour underwear I was wearing half the time.When I have been out of the house recently it has been thermal underwear.Not exactly glamorous,but practical and warm.
I am not full of angst about my gender as have more things to worry about as a carer.
I do my best to help out T/S friends but sometimes wonder if I am in the right place to offer advice.
Could just be old age setting in.
When I look at postings on Angels the Wogam expression"Is it me?"comes to mind.
Well is it?

Thursday 12 February 2009

Friends in need

Have been feeling a bit low recently with my caring responsibilities getting on top of me.Then this morning had a phone call from the lovely Loris.
I like Loris,no getting away from it.We chat about all things trans of course but the other everyday things as well,music,holidays,anything.
There is no pity or self pity involved.
We will both get to wherever we are intending to go in our own way and supporting each other.
Of course I have no idea where I want to end up,just enjoying being me and going where fate takes me.

Wednesday 11 February 2009

A little peal of hope

Following the rough week I have been through I popped into Sainsburys today after a meeting with my care co-ordinator.
I had just entered the door when a policewoman approached me."Excuse me madam" she said"Would you like one of these little bells that attach to your purse?If someone tried to take your purse out of your shopping bag then you would hear it"
When I hear so many negative stories of the treatment T/S girls get it was a ray of hope.Or could it be that as everyone who knows me says I am female in looks as well as thought?

Tuesday 10 February 2009

Labels

One of the best bits about this blog is that I can write down the bits I daren't put on Angels,though I would love to.
Been thinking about the difference between female and feminine.
Feminine on a lot of postings seems to be the dream.Lovely dress,killer heels and slap,or it seems a trip to Boudoir,and you have the lot.An instant trip to fantasy island.
That is a lot of the trouble it is fantasy pure and simple.
I am female and to me it invoves the everyday things in life,cooking,cleaning and ironing plus battling for a till in Tesco's.
It's hard to feel feminine,believe me,when you are cleaning the loo.
I do female full time because that is what I am and good luck to all who aspire to the same.They will need the luck,a lot of hard graft,guts a plenty and a very thick skin.
Would I change a bit though?
Never

Sunday 8 February 2009

Old

Was watching a programme the other night in the Folk America series and this one was of special interest to me as it covered music from the sixties.At that age I was the rebel,Che was my hero and only a few people had ever heard of Bob Dylan let alone seen him.We were the protestors and we were different and not afraid to show it.
Nostalgia reigned during that programme but when the interviews were being shown shock followed by realisation kicked in.
God,everybody was so OLD.Still fighting for the cause,still different but like me old.
I am now in my sixties,racked with arthritis and won't see 70.
Perhaps it is time to stop fighting for the cause and make the most of what time I have left.
If I don't look like what I am some of the time then who the hell cares.
I have had one hell of a life and am there for anybody who needs me but have no need to chase causes or people any more.

Friday 6 February 2009

Respite

Katy Sparkes came round today for my couple of hours of respite care but Geraldine had made it quite clear that she didn't want to go out.She has been looking at the weather for a couple of days almost praying for snow.
So Katy did a home visit which meant no respite for yet another week.She also brought the bad news that there is yet another hold up in the paperwork for Hospital Road as we have not got a care co-ordinator.I am starting to think it will never happen.
Katy pointed out that I am naturally female,which I know that I am,but I no longer feel feminine.Geraldine has now given up on everything and is getting more and more demanding on my time.As a result I never get the time or opportunity to "glam up"any more after all when the only time you go out is to go shopping it's just not worth it.
Hoping that if and when my new course starts it will give me the chance to feel a bit feminine again.
What I really need is a day out but having lost most of my friends and the few I have left being to busy seems like it's not going to happen.
As a postscript after not wanting to go out with Katy Geraldine asked if we can go out tomorrow!Feel like we are joined at the hip