Hanging on in there

My new granddaughter was born premature this morning.
She is in the special baby unit,ill,but hanging on in there,a fighter like me.
There is nothing I can do but give support.
So to stop me getting maudling please continue to contact me.
Talk about girlie things,dresses,earrings anything.
I need a smile on my face not sympathy
Jools

Please help

Being a fulltime carer means that I don't get much time to think so this quiet hour first thing in the morning is when I collect my thoughts.
Charing Cross will be coming up next month so thinking what comes next.
The thought of surgery is starting to frighten me to death as it would be very dodgy due to my health and I don't want to leave G a widow.
Hormones might make me far less of a coper as being a mental health carer means a clear head at all times is needed.
Now I don't scrub up to bad when I make an effort and people treat me as who I am.
Angels does confuse me as full transitioning seems to be the be all and end all.
So this is a request for my reader.
Would it be to bad if I stayed as I am?
Would you think any the less of me if I did?
Your thoughts are needed.

Pie in the sky?

I really must stop thinking first thing in the morning,with a brain as small as mine it makes my head hurt.
Anyway afer that request for money,which I have not got,yesterday I considered what I can give.
I have been a carer now for over thirty years.
I am a transitioning T/S
I am a married gay.
Now all that must mean I have a wealth of experience which somebody must be able to benefit from.Angels is not the place to use it as my remarks are likely to be highjacked by some smartarse with an axe to grind.
I would so much like to set up some type of informal support group for those who are not brave enough to talk openly on forums.
May be a completely pie in the sky idea but if anybody reads this I am here to listen,if nothing else.

The final nail

When Geraldine and I got married many years ago we hardly had two pennies to rub together.We lived in a small flat and everything we had was second hand.
Economising became an art form and we learnt to make a meal out of practically nothing.
There habits die hard and still living this way enabled me to retire on a very small pension to look after Geraldine.We have very little money left so the odd pair of earrings is a real treat.
Today I received a text message from Adams partner.Lets give some background.When they got together a baby was very shortly on the way.This was followed by another child,due within a year.They live on convenience food and all their stuff is brand new.
A couple of months ago Adam asked me if I would put the finance for a new car in my name.When I refused I fot a lot of unpleasantness from his partner who now refuses to recognise me in female mode.
The email stated that they have no money and if I thought anything of my son and granddaughter I would give them money.
The final nail in my coffin

Swings and roundabouts

A bit of a downer tonight.
Saw my doctor,along with Geraldine and she admitted there was very little she could do to get me help.
Also emailed people as I was in the need of being cheered up but no reply.
It really does look as if from the medical point of view that I have been just left to get on with it.
I will get somewhere but it's going to be a case of fighting like hell which is leaving me so damned tired.

Random thoughts for Christmas

When I was coming home from the shopping slog at Sainsburys today something happened to make me think.
It was about 1.30 and a girl ran from a car to a house.She had on a long coat but underneath could clearly be seen a very short silver lurex dress and legs to die for.
Now I wondered if she had been to a party so good that she had just come home or was visiting someone and thought it's nearly Christmas I don't give a damn what people think.
Whatever,she made me smile. Like the person who you just say hello to and they give a flashing smile back.
I am an extrovert and a dippy blonde but my very dippiness made folk smile.
Now I am a carer for my partner who has severe depression and so as a result made myself miserable in order not to upset her.
Is this right or would I be a better person and carer if I was just myself who made people smile and more important smiled myself?
As T/S I feel as if I should just blend in and not rock the boat.
I want to rock the boat a bit.
I want to dress up in a short skirt and a silly wig to go and see Priscilla Queen of the Desert,the musical.
I want to go to sparkle and have a laugh.
I just want to be me,me,me ,me and if I can bring some joy to someones life doing it then so much the better.

Reasons

There is low because of something others do do you.
There is low because of circumstances.
And there is low because of things you dare not admit.
At the moment I am keeping a hyper exterior to fool othere and to fool myself because of the third reason.