I dropped Geraldine off to respite yesterday.
A strange rest of the day for me as I charged round the house clearing up the massive backlog of little jobs,however I kept waiting for the call of "Julia".
Geraldine phoned me yesterday evening and this morning and she is getting on fine,which has put my mind at rest.If she can get back monday feeling just a little more independant that will be great for her.
It has also given me a little constructive thinking time as to my future.
Geraldine and a few close friends accept me as I am now and I am comfortable the way I am. Sure joe public,on close inspection,are going to see that I am trans but so what,It's my life.
Surgery will never be for me as I am responsible for G and daren't take the risk.Even hormones,if they don't suit me I won't take them.Easy as.
In the muggle world there is pressure to be just like everybody else and unfortunately in the trans world a pressure to conform to a pattern just to "fit in"
I am Julia,a "one off" and happy to remain that way.
A little p.s
Just got my posh business suit out for tuesdays meeting and tried it on.Don't scrub up bad for an old 'un and the legs are still holding out!
Sunday, 15 March 2009
Wednesday, 11 March 2009
Just when you think
When I started on this new course I was determined to be just female and not go into my gender differences.
We started with eight people and have now got down to the hardcore of four and that is where the problems started.With a crowd you can hide but when you are going into intimate details of your life with just three other people you run out of corners to hide in.
The course is all about confidence and self assertiveness and of course one of the reasons why I lacked both was the fact that I was hiding the fact that I am transsexual.
So outside the course I was chatting to one of the girls after she started crying through relief at being able to get her feelings out at last.I could not just make up a life as I find lying impossible so told her about myself.
Her reaction was that of course she knew I was transsexual but said that she and the other two girls liked me for what I am.
So,you would think,problem solved.
No.Stupid girl that I am with all my neurosis have been thinking ever since that I must have driven the other four away.
Why,when everything is going well,must I look for the worst things and knock myself down?
I know that when I get recognition,praise or love I blossom but this is kicked into touch when all the things I was made to believe when I was younger filter back into my mind.Liking yourself when you were brought up to hate yourself is not an easy task.
We started with eight people and have now got down to the hardcore of four and that is where the problems started.With a crowd you can hide but when you are going into intimate details of your life with just three other people you run out of corners to hide in.
The course is all about confidence and self assertiveness and of course one of the reasons why I lacked both was the fact that I was hiding the fact that I am transsexual.
So outside the course I was chatting to one of the girls after she started crying through relief at being able to get her feelings out at last.I could not just make up a life as I find lying impossible so told her about myself.
Her reaction was that of course she knew I was transsexual but said that she and the other two girls liked me for what I am.
So,you would think,problem solved.
No.Stupid girl that I am with all my neurosis have been thinking ever since that I must have driven the other four away.
Why,when everything is going well,must I look for the worst things and knock myself down?
I know that when I get recognition,praise or love I blossom but this is kicked into touch when all the things I was made to believe when I was younger filter back into my mind.Liking yourself when you were brought up to hate yourself is not an easy task.
Monday, 9 March 2009
Moi?
Certainly not one to blow my own trumpet but my therapist said today that I am considered a remarkable and courageous woman.
I would not go that far but starting to consider myself not half bad.
Well,it's a start isn't it?
I would not go that far but starting to consider myself not half bad.
Well,it's a start isn't it?
Sunday, 8 March 2009
Am I in the right place?
Got my knuckles rapped yet again by a T/S girl today as it seems that I wasn't treating the whole matter of transgender seriously enough.
Now I know that GD can be an upsetting business, God knows I have been down in the dumps about it enough times but is it compulsary to wear a hair shirt and practice self flagelation all the time.
I have had to use humour to get me through life,mostly against myself.When you have been sexually abused for a number of years you either find a coping mechanism or go under.
I never saw my transitioning as a path of endless misery.
As a carer for a severe depresive I was taught that when you get angry go out a kick something of find a quiet place and scream.Also if you don't laugh you will end up even more depressed than the person you are caring for.
At 63 I am a lot nearer the grave than birth so it is time to take life a little less seriously.
That's one of the reasons I like Loris,we laugh.
She had better not do it to often though or she to will get a visit from the tranny police.
Now I know that GD can be an upsetting business, God knows I have been down in the dumps about it enough times but is it compulsary to wear a hair shirt and practice self flagelation all the time.
I have had to use humour to get me through life,mostly against myself.When you have been sexually abused for a number of years you either find a coping mechanism or go under.
I never saw my transitioning as a path of endless misery.
As a carer for a severe depresive I was taught that when you get angry go out a kick something of find a quiet place and scream.Also if you don't laugh you will end up even more depressed than the person you are caring for.
At 63 I am a lot nearer the grave than birth so it is time to take life a little less seriously.
That's one of the reasons I like Loris,we laugh.
She had better not do it to often though or she to will get a visit from the tranny police.
Wednesday, 4 March 2009
Needed
Following my meeting with the diversity people yesterday another interesting thing happened today which got me thinking.
Jean(my tutor) was delayed for half an hour today which made the course into a bit of a scramble and another person joining didn't help matters timewise.
So as I had done part of the course before I went round helping the girls out with their paperwork.At the end of the day Jean thanked me for helping,without being asked to.
Said to her today that I just got a buzz out of it and she suggested I was a natural and should go into adult education as a classroom volunteer helper.
Now as to the buzz.It has been pointed out on more than one occasion that those with the most baggage have the greatest need to help others and with me helping is a need.
I simply need to be needed.
I like helping where I can but the very fact that I am getting something out of it makes me feel selfish.Get this one sorted out in my head and I may actually feel fulfilled.
Jean(my tutor) was delayed for half an hour today which made the course into a bit of a scramble and another person joining didn't help matters timewise.
So as I had done part of the course before I went round helping the girls out with their paperwork.At the end of the day Jean thanked me for helping,without being asked to.
Said to her today that I just got a buzz out of it and she suggested I was a natural and should go into adult education as a classroom volunteer helper.
Now as to the buzz.It has been pointed out on more than one occasion that those with the most baggage have the greatest need to help others and with me helping is a need.
I simply need to be needed.
I like helping where I can but the very fact that I am getting something out of it makes me feel selfish.Get this one sorted out in my head and I may actually feel fulfilled.
Monday, 2 March 2009
The two sides of Julia
Just found out that my grandaughter had a lovely birthday party yesterday,all the family were round.Strange,I don't remember being there.
Also a rather abusive text message from Adam yesterday replying to my message.He doesn't remember sending it ,strange again.He does however remember leaving his mobile at home while he went out,now who could have got at that?
The point behind the blog title.I am a Gemini.Two sided.That very much applies to me.
I can be the sweetest of sweet people who would give herself away.
I can also be the nastiest,most vindictive bitch in christendom.
Happenings over the last few days means that the bitch is back.I will repay any kindness threefold but equaly any hurt.
Nobody had better upset me in the near future
Also a rather abusive text message from Adam yesterday replying to my message.He doesn't remember sending it ,strange again.He does however remember leaving his mobile at home while he went out,now who could have got at that?
The point behind the blog title.I am a Gemini.Two sided.That very much applies to me.
I can be the sweetest of sweet people who would give herself away.
I can also be the nastiest,most vindictive bitch in christendom.
Happenings over the last few days means that the bitch is back.I will repay any kindness threefold but equaly any hurt.
Nobody had better upset me in the near future
Sunday, 1 March 2009
A trifle low
The lovely Loris visited me today.
Everything I thought she would be,a lovely woman.
The only trouble is that an hour or so after dhe left I got quite low.
While she was here it was communicating face to face with someone who thinks the same and just is the same.
Then the isolation of the T/S hit in.Despite however well meaning folk can be nobody understands a transsexual like a transsexual.Having her in the house was a real high for me but unfortunately lows follow highs.
I do so hope we can meet up often.I help her and she helps me.
Everything I thought she would be,a lovely woman.
The only trouble is that an hour or so after dhe left I got quite low.
While she was here it was communicating face to face with someone who thinks the same and just is the same.
Then the isolation of the T/S hit in.Despite however well meaning folk can be nobody understands a transsexual like a transsexual.Having her in the house was a real high for me but unfortunately lows follow highs.
I do so hope we can meet up often.I help her and she helps me.
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