When I started on this new course I was determined to be just female and not go into my gender differences.
We started with eight people and have now got down to the hardcore of four and that is where the problems started.With a crowd you can hide but when you are going into intimate details of your life with just three other people you run out of corners to hide in.
The course is all about confidence and self assertiveness and of course one of the reasons why I lacked both was the fact that I was hiding the fact that I am transsexual.
So outside the course I was chatting to one of the girls after she started crying through relief at being able to get her feelings out at last.I could not just make up a life as I find lying impossible so told her about myself.
Her reaction was that of course she knew I was transsexual but said that she and the other two girls liked me for what I am.
So,you would think,problem solved.
No.Stupid girl that I am with all my neurosis have been thinking ever since that I must have driven the other four away.
Why,when everything is going well,must I look for the worst things and knock myself down?
I know that when I get recognition,praise or love I blossom but this is kicked into touch when all the things I was made to believe when I was younger filter back into my mind.Liking yourself when you were brought up to hate yourself is not an easy task.
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Yup, those buggers really did cause untold damage didn't they?
"Why,when everything is going well,must I look for the worst things and knock myself down?"
A little story. When I passed my driving test all those years ago I was sooo neurotic. I passed first time and I only had 1 x weeks worth of lessons. Impressive one might think. Not me. I was so convinced that my boss had bunged someone a wad of cash to pass me that I almost made myself ill.It took weeks and weeks for me to accept that my driving skills may just have had merit.
We really do make a rod for our own backs sometimes don't we (I include myself here).
Hi Julia
You have so much to offer others.
Sadly you perhaps cannot see what those of us privalidged to know you as a friend, all feel with our hearts. The chances are those of the class who dropped out did so because of their own demons, their own lack of confidence, nothing to do with you.
Listen to your heart not that cruel negative dysphoric voice that tries all to often to consume us.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))
Love
Debbie
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