Following on from the last blog I have stuck to my guns about not logging in to Angels.
Anything t/s is bad for me.
If I read one more thing about the right makeup/underwear or stealth/non stealth I will bloody well scream.As for hairstyles well it's up to the individual what hairstyle they have or how much they paid for it.It's between them and their bank balance.
For a hell of a while the whole t/s scene was confusing me.My gender counsellor and charing cross told me there was no need for voice therapy or laser as I pass just fine.Then I was inundated by threads saying you just have to have it to live RLE properly.So I ended up thinking there was something wrong with me.In other words I didn't fit in with what others were doing.
Then the truth dawned I AM A WOMAN,always have been always will be.
May not have all the right bits but thats tough,I can live with that.
Not severed all links as I still have Debbie(bless her)and my soulmate Loris.
But there is one big difference,they are women too.
Saturday, 28 February 2009
Wednesday, 25 February 2009
Done it !!!!!!
Re my blog yesterday I went to the new course today.
There were six of us there plus the tutor,who I knew from the last course.
The introductions came first of course,you know the style creeping death.Usually I launch myself in first to get it over with but this time I bided my time.
Then came me"I'm Julia.I'm a long term carer for my partner"None of this "Oh and by the way I am transsexual.I hope nobody minds".
Now I haven't the faintest idea if anybody guessed or not and to be perfectly honest don't bloody well care.I was treated as the dippy blonde that I am and thats just fine with me.
In fact when I mentioned that I have this desire to keep changing my hair colour myself and another two girls thought it was a fun idea to use one of those temporary red hair sprays for red nose week.
It was easy with friends and family,easy with complete strangers but when I think I will be myself with a group of people divulging our innermost secrets for the next fifteen weeks I regard it as a major step forward
There were six of us there plus the tutor,who I knew from the last course.
The introductions came first of course,you know the style creeping death.Usually I launch myself in first to get it over with but this time I bided my time.
Then came me"I'm Julia.I'm a long term carer for my partner"None of this "Oh and by the way I am transsexual.I hope nobody minds".
Now I haven't the faintest idea if anybody guessed or not and to be perfectly honest don't bloody well care.I was treated as the dippy blonde that I am and thats just fine with me.
In fact when I mentioned that I have this desire to keep changing my hair colour myself and another two girls thought it was a fun idea to use one of those temporary red hair sprays for red nose week.
It was easy with friends and family,easy with complete strangers but when I think I will be myself with a group of people divulging our innermost secrets for the next fifteen weeks I regard it as a major step forward
Tuesday, 24 February 2009
New course
Will be starting my new course tomorrow. Actualy it's the same course I did earlier this year and never finished.
Confidence and Assertiveness is the name of the course and I am certainly assertive and appear confident.In the role I live I am confident but it is those gremlins from the past that give me trouble.
Mainly I go for the social interaction,it gets lonely here sometimes.
When I think back over recent years on courses I have attended my outlook has changed every time.
Firstly it was I am Peter but I am transsexual,has anybody got any problems with that?
Then it moved on to I am Julia but I am transsexual.
Now it's going to be I am Julia,end of.If anybody spots I am trans fair enough and if anybody doesn't like it they can go elsewhere.
I am me and bloody well proud of it
Confidence and Assertiveness is the name of the course and I am certainly assertive and appear confident.In the role I live I am confident but it is those gremlins from the past that give me trouble.
Mainly I go for the social interaction,it gets lonely here sometimes.
When I think back over recent years on courses I have attended my outlook has changed every time.
Firstly it was I am Peter but I am transsexual,has anybody got any problems with that?
Then it moved on to I am Julia but I am transsexual.
Now it's going to be I am Julia,end of.If anybody spots I am trans fair enough and if anybody doesn't like it they can go elsewhere.
I am me and bloody well proud of it
Monday, 23 February 2009
Therapist
Visit to my therapist today.
It has been two weeks since my last visit but in a way that has been a good thing as I have had to work out major lifestyle strategies without backup.
She agreed that I am worrying less every visit about what others think of me and am becoming more adaptable with regard to looking after myself.
For example in my quest to help others it was my aim to become a counsellor/therapist.I have now realised that I have more than enough problems looking after myself and Geraldine to take on any more.I still love to help but it must be a two way thing,all gving and no taking can make the well run dry.
Loads more was said but when I suggested that I must face things head on and thought that fortnightly rather than weekly visits would be better she said it was a move forward.
Life will be tough in the future but nothing ventured nothing gained and I never had things easy
It has been two weeks since my last visit but in a way that has been a good thing as I have had to work out major lifestyle strategies without backup.
She agreed that I am worrying less every visit about what others think of me and am becoming more adaptable with regard to looking after myself.
For example in my quest to help others it was my aim to become a counsellor/therapist.I have now realised that I have more than enough problems looking after myself and Geraldine to take on any more.I still love to help but it must be a two way thing,all gving and no taking can make the well run dry.
Loads more was said but when I suggested that I must face things head on and thought that fortnightly rather than weekly visits would be better she said it was a move forward.
Life will be tough in the future but nothing ventured nothing gained and I never had things easy
Feeling better.
Over the last few weeks I have been on a bit of a downer,nothing to do with transitioning.
I have had threatening text messages and a lot of the insecurities from my childhood have resurfaced.Now I am a carer pure and simple and not just for Geraldine.I care for my friends and their welfare matters more than by own.
Over the years as a carer for Geraldine I have pretty much been left to it and treated as a pain in the bum if I asked for help but then most carers are treated the same.
So,though I have taken on everybody elses problems I feel wrong giving my woes to others to listen to.
Then along comes Loris.
We talk the same language and are in a strange way soulmates.
Our mails and phone chats are a two way thing.
When I look on forums all I seem to see is a look at me mentality totally devoid of real compassion.
Can't wait to meet Loris for the first time on sunday.
I have had threatening text messages and a lot of the insecurities from my childhood have resurfaced.Now I am a carer pure and simple and not just for Geraldine.I care for my friends and their welfare matters more than by own.
Over the years as a carer for Geraldine I have pretty much been left to it and treated as a pain in the bum if I asked for help but then most carers are treated the same.
So,though I have taken on everybody elses problems I feel wrong giving my woes to others to listen to.
Then along comes Loris.
We talk the same language and are in a strange way soulmates.
Our mails and phone chats are a two way thing.
When I look on forums all I seem to see is a look at me mentality totally devoid of real compassion.
Can't wait to meet Loris for the first time on sunday.
Sunday, 22 February 2009
Masks
Back like a bad penny on the blog again.
Been doing a bit of self analysis,don't we all,and came up with a few answers.
Now I am not kidding myself that I can fool all the people all of the time but I am never challenged.Been told that I have an aura that folk darent or they would suffer the consequences.
I have a hard shell surrounding me which is there for a purpose.
I am aware that one reader of this blog(you know who you are sweetie) has been through the mill of abuse and rape.Despite how much therapy you go through that will never go away and you will make damned sure it will never happen again.
Underneath this hard shell I am very fragile but can only show my true self to those I trust(again the same person applies very much)
I said in my last post that I am suicidal but not in the way some may see it.It is not a cry for help or attention and though I feel that way I will never do it or I will let the buggers who hurt me win.
The self harming is another matter.It is a way of letting the pain I feel out.
I will survive and if I can help others through my own experiences then my life will have some meaning.
Been doing a bit of self analysis,don't we all,and came up with a few answers.
Now I am not kidding myself that I can fool all the people all of the time but I am never challenged.Been told that I have an aura that folk darent or they would suffer the consequences.
I have a hard shell surrounding me which is there for a purpose.
I am aware that one reader of this blog(you know who you are sweetie) has been through the mill of abuse and rape.Despite how much therapy you go through that will never go away and you will make damned sure it will never happen again.
Underneath this hard shell I am very fragile but can only show my true self to those I trust(again the same person applies very much)
I said in my last post that I am suicidal but not in the way some may see it.It is not a cry for help or attention and though I feel that way I will never do it or I will let the buggers who hurt me win.
The self harming is another matter.It is a way of letting the pain I feel out.
I will survive and if I can help others through my own experiences then my life will have some meaning.
Friday, 20 February 2009
The flipside
Feeling suicidal and started self harming again.
I received yet another abusive text message from my sons partner today the gist of which was"You will never see your grandchildren and we will be moving and not let you know our new address"
Transitioning is not a bed of roses and brings more pain than pleasure.
I don't do it through choice,I have to.
Not sure how much longer though
I received yet another abusive text message from my sons partner today the gist of which was"You will never see your grandchildren and we will be moving and not let you know our new address"
Transitioning is not a bed of roses and brings more pain than pleasure.
I don't do it through choice,I have to.
Not sure how much longer though
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